The Nametard

In Which The Nametard Unleashes a Profanity Laced Tirade Against Scarborough Research

2011-07-26T22:37:00.001-04:00

Hi, Scarborough Research? Hey, maybe you’ll pick up this on Google alerts or something, so good, maybe you are listening! I really just have one thing to say to you.

Go fucking die you lousy piece of shit wannabe telemarketer loser fucking idiot survey company.

That felt good! Well, no, actually having you guys stop calling me would feel even better.

Listen, I understand you are a survey company and really desperately need to know what TV shows I watch, but can’t you take ‘no’ for an answer? I swear, I have told you repeatedly (because you call all the time) that I do NOT want to take your survey, but you just keep asking me when a good time is. You know when a good time is? FUCKING NEVER. You also ask me why I don’t want to take a survey. You know why? Because you are fucking annoying shits who DEMAND that I explain to YOU why I won’t answer your inane questions when YOU ARE THE FUCKING ONES THAT CALLED ME!

You say you can’t directly take me off the list, but you keep asking me when a good time is to call, so it is obvious you can put notes or make edits to the list, so that is bullshit.

I am on the no call list, but you seem ok with that because you keep telling me that you aren’t telemarketers. Oh, you say there is a way that I can be taken off your list? All (!) I have to do is call an 800 number and request that? Well, fuck that. I have decided on a different tact.

The next time you call I am not going to be rude, but I will start asking YOU personal things. You seem to think it is ok to call me anytime and ask me things about what I do, so I figure I can do the same things to you. I will ask you about your sexual preferences, what sort of things you do when you wipe your ass after you crap, and I will also share my favorite masturbation stories (while only a few of them are first hand, they all will involve me!). I will ask, nay demand, that you describe yourself and what you are wearing because god knows I’ll do the same for me (I might not be entirely accurate, except for girth). Also, my voice will get huskier and more breathy and I will ask you to call me “Mr. Nails” for reasons that will soon become obvious.

I know, that is a dickish thing for me to do, but you know what? Sucks to be you! Seriously, you are the ones that have the telemarketer jobs in the first place. Oh, wait, it isn’t a telemarketer job, right? You know the difference? Telemarketers know they are scum already and won’t try to cross examine you when you tell them ‘no thanks’ politely (yes, I did start politely). Your job sucks and if you don’t want to deal with assholes like me, then you should quit your job. Yeah, the economy sucks now, but telemarketers/surveyors that are aggressive are the lowers forms of anal drippings and you are actively choosing to be like that. True story: I was a telemarketer in college! Seriously. For three hours until I quit because it was fucking hell.

The rubicon is now off, the gloves are on the next level. From now on, it is war. SO STOP FUCKING CALLING OUR HOUSE.

Name of the Year 2011: Bulltron Regional

2011-04-13T14:27:00.004-04:00

Yes, I’ve been shirking my duties on The Nametard by not covering the Name of the Year tournament as quickly as I should, so instead of excuses, let’s just jump into it!

Bulltron Regional
1 Monquarius Mungo vs. Chelsea Poppens vs. 8 Widgett Washington vs. 9 Rockwell Bonecutter

Monquarius Mungo as a first seed? Seriously guys, this has to stop. First off, it is WAY to close to Barkevious Mingo who won in 2009, but mostly the reason why this is probably rated so high is because of its relative uniqueness and how it is different than other names. One problem, of course, is that it is almost exactly like a previous winner, but the even bigger problem is that names of this style are highly common in the black community in America. Sure it might be Monquarius, Barkevious (2009 winner), Winetavious (see below), or I’tavius (again, below), but the style remains the same and that style is not unique, not original, and not interesting enough to really be in the tournament, let alone a high seed. That said, of course, Chelsea Poppens is a pretty meh name, only sort of funny because it is sort of like Mary Poppens.

Widget Washington has three things going for it: The weird first name that sort of sounds like a name but sort of sounds silly, the common last name to counteract the oddness of the first name, and the fact that it is an alliteration. It isn’t great and interesting, but it is fun. Rockwell Bonecutter is something that someone badly names their dwarf fighter/cleric. It isn’t something you ever run into, but I have a huge bias against adejctivenoun names and find them to be hokey.

In this matchup Monquarious Mungo wins its first round by default but Widget Washington comes out on top overall.

5 Silverberry Mouhon vs. 12 Leviticus Payne vs. 4 Mercedes Bunz vs. 12 Col. Many-Bears Grinder

This is an interesting set because each name brings something different to the table. Silverberry Mouhon just brings the strange; who the hell gives their kid the first name of Silverberry? Mouhon isn’t a very common last name so it doesn’t add the contrasting weird first name/common last name motiff, but it isn’t rare or obscure enough to add to the strangeness overall. Basically this name is here based entirely on the first name which, while weird and odd, isn’t really strong enough to carry it all by itself. Leviticus Payne, though, is the opposite in that its last name is relatively common, but still odd in that it sounds like the word ‘Pain’, so that a well chosen first name may either contrast or complement it. However, Leviticus, while odd as a name, doesn’t actually do either.

Mercedes Bunz, what should I say about you? The pun names are not usually my favorite (which is odd if you know me), but this one is good for multiple reasons. First, the obvious pun on Mercedes Benz, but that isn’t enough to make it a good name by itself. Mercedes as a first name probably suffers from association with the car no matter the last name, so to have a name of the year pun off the car you need a name that brings that extra something special, and Mercedes Bunz absolutely does, thanks to Bunz immediately conjuring up the image of a butt in my (admittedly immature) mind. It might not have huge staying power, but I’m a fan of Mercedes Bunz (though it sounds horribly porny).

I’ll start a whole paragraph about Many-Bears Grinder, because I’m going to be serious for a second. Sure the name sounds odd to some of us, but why is that? Because the name “Many-Bears” is a literal name? I assure you, if you did a literal translation of any of our names (and, yes, almost every name has a literal translation) it would probably sound odd. Mr. Bevelacqua from Seinfeld (he tormented George and gave him a wedgie) has a good Italian name, but if you would have translated it, he would be Mr. Drink-the-water. That sounds odd, right? But you can do that to almost ANY name and it would be weird except for the fact that you don’t know how to translate it.

I am going to make an assumption here that Col. Many-Bears Grinder is Native American. We’ve seen other such style names of American Indians (hedging my bets here) on Name of the Year and I have the same reaction to each: while it may seem odd, it is really cultural chauvinism that makes people think they are funny or weird. It is quite condescending to think that a name, because it is from a different culture, is funny just because it is from a different culture. You might argue that it sounds weird in English, but it probably doesn’t sound weird in the native First Nation language, except for the fact that we as America have done our damndest to kill out all those languages. As such, I refuse to ever vote for this style of name, no matter how weird, funny, or whatever odd it is.

(EDIT: Apparently "Grinder’s first name was originally a nickname that stuck, so she legally changed her name." That makes it a stupid name overall, and though other people are ok with legal name changes, I think it makes it less authentic and stupid)

Anyway, I like Silverberry Mouhon over Leviticus Payne because of the more strange first name, but Mercedes Bunz overall. I bet she’s hot.

3 Joe Shortsleeve vs. 14 Tuesday Muse vs. 6 Ebenezer Noonoo Vs. 11 Cassanova McKinzy

Joe Shortsleeve sounds like a term people use for work-a-day chumps (the name “Joe” in front of many things does that), and it sounds neat. Not champion caliber, but still a neat little name. Tuesday Muse is two odd names that aren’t super odd and don’t really work together. Sure, you can say “I needed inspiration on the day after Monday, and look who I found!” but that’s about it. Not a bad name, just nothing great.

Ebenezer Noonoo has one of those first names that is instantly associated with a character from literature (as does his opponent) which is probably rare because of it. The last name of Noonoo sounds like “No! No!” which is funny, I guess. Nothing great, but Cassanova McKinzy just has the first name to go on, and that isn’t that interesting anyway.

Joe Shortsleeve take the both matchups, beating out Eenezer Noonoo in the second round.

7 Mississippi Winn vs. 10 Orion Blizzard vs. 2 Courvoisier Winetavious Richardson vs. 15 Shalom Dreampeace Compost

Oh Mississippi Winn can be a pun on the state or the football team at Ole Miss not losing. That’s it, and it isn’t that fun. It does, however, sound like a hustler, which I like. Orion Blizzard, however, has two strong “I’m gonna kick your ass” names, but has the negative of sounding like the villain in a badly written fantasy book.

Courvoisier Winetavious Richardson, I’ll say right up front, is over seeded and whose middle name has all the same problems as Monquarius above, but also has the tacked on first name of Courvoisier. I’ve talked about this in the past, but this sounds like someone naming their kid after something they think is high class to give it a high class name, but the reality is that it only sounds crappy. Again, I’m not sure if this name is here because people feel like it is fun to mock an obviously black name?

Shalom Dreampeace Compost is an unusual first name that is a word, a middle name that is the horrid adjectivenount construct (negative there), but followed by a last name of Compost. Compost? Really? Like the organic matter I stick in a bin to make soil for my garden? I know we don’t pick our last names, but….really? The names don’t really fit together, but they are odd altogether.

(EDIT: Damn, he changed his name too, and the connection to compost was intentional. That name now sucks.)

This section sucks, and I’ll take Orion Blizzard to face Shalom Dreampeace Compost in the second round. For the winner of that I’ll choose…..Compost? I guess. It isn’t something I feel strongly about, and if any of the names other than the second seed take this group of four, I wouldn’t really complain.

Tune in tomorrow where I’ll go through the next batch. And remember to VOTE!

More on Briar

2010-06-08T20:25:00.000-04:00

I’m still thinking about the name Briar for a girl. When I was looking around on the internet for insight on the name (i.e. Wikipedia), I came across the fact that Sleeping Beauty’s name (in the Grimm version at least) was Briar-Rose. Hmmm, I don’t like the hyphen there because it reads shorter than simply Briar Rose, and I don’t really like the pun-like characteristic of it, but the fairy tail provenance is nice. If it didn’t have the ‘-Rose’ part it would be much better, but that is the problem with this name (well, most names too). I still think it is a cute name and I have grown to even admire it, but we must find the names combine with it to make it work!

I agree with Chris in his comment that a multi-syllabic last name (with a bit of distinction to it) would make it work. He suggested Briar Wilkenson, and that sort of works. Not perfect, but better than the top 20 last names. Maybe Briar Williamson? Or, in honor of his MLB debut tonight, Briar Strasburg? Briar Zimmerman, Briar Willingham or Briar Moldanano might work (going down the Nats’ roster), as will (looking at Cinci’s roster) Briar Chapman, Briar Hanigan, or Briar Maloney. I actually like Briar Hathaway, but that sort of makes you think of Anne Hathaway so that is cheating.

The middle name definitely also has to be multi-syllabic and extra feminine. I think Briar Elizabeth works great, so we’ll go with it as the default (though Briar Jane sounds amazingly cute to me). So little Briar Elizabeth Wilkinson may work, though I really like Briar Jane Wilkinson (perhaps the multisyllabic last name needs a short middle name too?). Feel free to do what I do and browse the roster of various sports teams for last name inspiration (I only went to two) for other good choices. In my mind, the kid at my kids’ daycare’s name is either Briar Jane Wilkinson or Briar Elizabeth Strasburg.

Damn ambiguous feelings towards a name!

2010-06-07T16:51:00.001-04:00

I’ll have final comments on the Name of the Year tournament later, but I am not outraged.

At my kids’ daycare I just noticed that one of the young kids (not in their class, much younger) was a girl named Briar. Never heard that before as a name, and it doesn’t register at all on the top 1000 for any year for either sex. The name causes me great consternation because I have no idea if I like it or hate it!

Seriously, I can see bad things about it (it is already a noun of something, it is named after a sticky plant, it doesn’t sound particularly masculine or feminine, it sounds cutesy and not something that an adult would have), but I can also see good things in it (it sort of sounds like a name, it is somewhat cute for a girl, it isn’t egregiously bad). I’ll be damned if I can explain, but the name sort of grew on me and, despite its negatives, I sort of like it.

The biggest problem with a name like this is that if it is good or bad strongly depends on the middle and (more so) last name it combines with. Since I do not know this kid or her parents, I do not know these names (and if I asked the daycare it would seem creepy and rightfully so), so I can’t say how well it combines. Instead I’ll but it next to each of the top 20 last names (via Wikipedia) in the US and give my opinion:

1) Briar Smith – Ehhh, not so good. Two short names like that don’t work, and it sounds a little masculine for reasons that elude me.
2) Briar Johnson – Again, not liking it.
3) Briar Williams – I do not like this, but I see why! It sort of looks like Brian, so this sort of sounds like Brian Williams the news anchor.
4) Briar Jones – This one isn’t too bad, but I’m not convinced.
5) Briar Brown – Alliterations for names are crap, so this one sucks.
6) Briar Davis – Nah.
7) Briar Miller – Two names ending in an ‘-er’ sound, not good sounding.
8) Briar Wilson – Too much like Brian Wilson.
9) Briar Moore – Don’t hate, but don’t like.
10) Briar Taylor – Again, double ‘-er’ name = not good.
11) Briar Anderson – Nah.
12) Briar Thomas – Don’t hate it, but sort of sounds like Blair Thomas, and we know how he turned out as a running back.
13) Briar Jackson – Sounds like a guy.
14) Briar White – Too short.
15) Briar Harris – Not bad, but not convincing.
16) Briar Martin – See #15.
17) Briar Thompson – See #16
18) Briar Garcia – Actually the best one on here so far is also the least likely. It would probably be pronounced differently though.
19) Briar Martinez – Not as good as Garcia, otherwise see #17.
20) Briar Robinson – It is ok, but this sucks that I can’t find a good fitting last name!

Ok, the common last names didn’t work, and I am NOT going through the whole top 100. But the point stands that the name could be really bad if it is paired with the wrong last name, and there are many unacceptable pairings above.

Now I have to think on this: What would be a good last name that would make Briar an acceptable first name?
-No short last names (it is already a short first one), though this is not necessarily hard and fast
-No alliterative stuff here: no Brown, Bryant, Bower
-No similar sounding stuff like Friar, Ryan, or anything ending in an ‘-er’ sound
-Nothing plant-like: no Green, Lily, Maples, Bush
-Nothing that begins with ‘r’ because it will run together to make one word
-Nothing that begins with a vowel or an ‘h’ for the same reason above

And the middle name HAS to be an obviously feminine name.

If I knew the whole name I could resolve if I hate it or like it. I’m not sure if I like this feeling.

Name of the Year, Chrotchtangle Region

2010-04-02T09:41:00.006-04:00

Ok, I am still recovering from the stunning disqualification of Dick Smallberries, Jr. from the Name of the Year competition, but that will not stop me from analyzing the Chrotchtangle Regional! And Chrotchtangle is the best name ever.

Chrotchtangle Region

1 Just-in’love Smith versus 16 Charity Beaver. Ok, I’ll just start out by saying Just-in’Love Smith is a horrible crappy name that doesn’t even belong in the field of 64, let alone a number one seed. How is it crappy? Let me count the ways!

First, Justin Love or Justin Time or Justin Credible is a lame, overused, not funny crutch of a joke that hackneyed comedians, bad sitcom writers, and 10 year olds use. Seriously, this bad play on words was old and not funny when I was 8 and people would say it to kids name Justin in my class. It is played out and way too common, uncreative, and unclever. Don’t believe me? Let’s ask the Google! I’ll type in “Justin Love” making sure it is in quotes so we only get that exact spelling and words and we get 124,000 hits. Yes, ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR THOUSAND. This is not clever, not creative, not unique and not any way shape or form interesting or Name of the Year worthy. The parents of this person thought they were funny but were just stupid.

But it gets worse and more stupid! You see it has both a dash AND an apostrophe in it, and neither are necessary! The dash is between the Just and in, in case you didn’t catch that bad pun they are excruciatingly pointing it out to you. So I guess it is a hyphenated name like John-Paul, but is the names Just and In…wait….the name Just and the name In? Oh, but look they have an apostrophe between the ‘in’ and the ‘love’. WHY? It doesn’t add to it, it isn’t a contraction, and it just looks stupid. This name sucks for many reasons based just on the letters, but the stupid, unnecessary, and stupid (yes, it needed to be said twice) apostrophe and dash make it doubly sucky.

Some might argue that it now has become so bad that it doubles back and becomes good. No, this is an unworthy nominee let alone a number one.

Charity Beaver is an easy joke, but still sort of funny. Charity as a first name is weird, and Beaver as a last name is unusual, but they actually combine to make a funny play on words. Yeah, it isn’t too clever and it is sophomoric, but I’m not picking it to win it all. Besides, when I was in high school I wish I could have met some Charity Beaver (it was obligatory, I am sorry).

You hear it here first, I’m calling a massive seeding upset in Charity Beaver knocking out undeserving number one Just-terrible’name Smith.

8 Dr. Festus Dada versus Karma Sherpa. Wow, Dr. Festus Dada. Festus is sort of fun and odd, but it doesn’t really fit with Dada as a fun interacting theme at all. The doctor on the front makes it weird too because it doesn’t contrast greatly with the name, but doesn’t seem to fit anyhow. The name doesn’t seem cohesive and is just weird without a real purposeful weirdness to it, but that perfectly fits with the last name. Seriously, what sort of Dadaist name would it be if it was like Art Dada (actually….)? The name itself fits as a Dada work of art, which would not be that interesting except that the last name is Dada. I like it.

Karma Sherpa is sort of weird, but nothing too great. Yeah, Karma like karma and Sherpa like Sherpa, but these don’t really come together to form something special. As it is now it is just a somewhat odd first name paired with a somewhat odd last name. This works if the last name is Dada, but not if it is Sherpa.

I’m picking Dr. Festus Dada for the win here, and watch for him to be a surprise sleeper that might go far.

5 Flavius Killebrew versus 12 Mister Cobble. Flavius Killebrew is an odd name because Flavius sounds really anachronistic especially when paired with Killebrew, which pretty much only evokes Hall of Famer Harmon Killebrew. It is an odd name where the first and last contrast, but not in a specific way, and there is no special synergy between them. Interesting, and something that would stand out, but not something that could win this and not something that should get a fifth seeding.

Mister Cobble makes me chuckle every time I say it. If it was Mister Williams then it wouldn’t be nearly as funny, but Mister Cobble sounds like someone you would meet in a Charles Dickens book. Mister as a first name is strange and might have some funny by itself, but for it to work as a NOTY candidate it has to fit with its last name, and I think it does. It sounds like something a child might name his stuffed animal, an early industrialist or robber-baron, or maybe some diabolical teacher. It is a name that makes you chuckle and think, and that it what I like.

Mister Cobble gets this one easily and is a force to reckon with for his other opponents.

4 Spartacus Bernstein versus 13 Bambang Parmanto. Ok, short one here because both of these are ho-hum filler entries that aren’t that great. Yeah, Spartacus Bernstein gives the contrast of Spartacus with the Jewish Bernstein. That’s it. Listen, like Romulus below, if you want to have an entry where the name is from some famous person, it has to be with an interesting combination with the last name. Bernstein doesn’t REALLY contrast with Spartacus and it doesn’t really meld with it to make a new fun story. Nothing special.

Bambang Parmanto is an entry which sounds like American chauvinism of ‘wow, that name just sounds weird. They do speak weird things in other countries.’ Hey, I’m for names like Vanilla Dong or anything where, in American English, it means something different. I’m also for names that have a certain lilt to them that sound fun and poetic when saying, like Banana Yaya. But Bambang Parmanto just doesn’t do it for me because it doesn’t have anything that is interesting besides ‘it sounds like a foreign language’ which is probably is.

I’ll give this to Spartacus in a battle of a ‘I don’t’ give a rats ass’ name.

3 Pencilman Jefferies versus Frantazy Bryant. Pencileman is an odd name, but its oddity is basically because it is just odd. Frantazy is like fantasy with a Z and an added R. Neither are very compelling, and I was tempted to just say ‘pass’ for this. I’ll pick Pencilman here, but these are filler entries.

6 Foxy Foxworth versus 11 Romulus Marino. I hate last names that are takes off the first name, like Willy Wilson or Bobby Robertson or John Johnson. They are stupid, but are often because people use a nickname based off their last name, and for that I blame idiot coaches of high school sports. This makes me wonder if Foxy Foxworth is really this person’s name, or just a nickname based of the last name? I’ll bet it is, so be not surprised if this is yet another disqualification. Not that it matters, however, because the name is crappy and only interesting because the first is a piece of the last. Ok, may Foxy is a bit weird, but its weirdness is diluted by the repetitiveness of it paired with Foxworth.

Romulus Marino is not that interesting either because Romulus, while unusual, is a real name and one of the mythological founders of Rome. Ok, I’ve never met a Romulus in real life, but if I did I would just think their parents were mythology buffs or Latin scholars and thought it was neat but not amazing or fascinating. Marino is a really common Italian last name, so it isn’t like there is some weird mismatch or synergy between the first and last. In fact, it would make sense that the most likely person to name their child after a mythological found of Rome would be someone of Italian ancestry. This is not a good entry into Name of the Year.

God, do I have to pick a winner of this? I’m not going to out of protest.

7 Furious Bradley versus 10 Whitney Mercilus. Whitney Mercilus is interesting as a name because the first name sounds like a small girl while the last name sounds like a heartless killing machine, but that’s about it. The negative is that the main fun part of this is the last name, and the name is spelled differently than merciless so it might mean something in another language. It is still a solid entry for something that trades mostly on the last name because the expectations of someone named Whitney are mismatched with it. It is ok, but nothing that could win it all.

Furious Bradley is, well, an awesome name. Ok, it is basically a wacky first name and normal last name, but that works sometimes. The first name is so out there that it is relatively unknown as a first name, but yet for reasons I cannot fathom, still sounds like a real name. Weird. But the name is a weird thing in that why would anyone want to name their kids something that pretty much only has negative connotations with it? Furious? Is that a good thing? If it was Stupendous Bradley we would think ‘that sound stupid’, but Furious Bradley makes us think ‘that sounds odd’.

But what really gets me is a combination of two things. First, it sounds like a superhero, which is awesome. But also because it recalls a way too obvious nickname of Milton Bradley (yes, his real name), currently of the Mariners, who has had lots of trouble with his emotions and seems to get furious on many occasions. For a name that is basically only a wacky first name, this one actually has surprising depth.

Furious Bradley wins this and, with some momentum, could go far.

2 Wave Ryder versus Pat Angerer. Both lame. Wave Ryder is too obvious and contrived. It is a play on words that isn’t clever, which is the most damning indictment of any pun or play on words you can say. I would say that it gets old after the second time hearing it, but it was old after the first time hearing it. Lame.

Pat Angerer is one of those ‘oh, the last name is unusual’ names, but doesn’t have any contrast or synergy with the first name. The last name isn’t that interesting anyway (I’ll bet it is not pronounced anything like we think it is).

I’ll give this to Wave Ryder, but only because of the weak opponent.

This was an odd bracket filled with a few matchups where I didn’t care who won because both names were lame plus a few that are sleeper names which I really like. It was a strange combination of my feelings towards the first two regionals. However, the seeding for this one was horrid and both the one and two seeds are just crap and non-clever puns. I do have three names I really like in Dr. Festus Dada, Mister Cobble, and Furious Bradley, and I’ll be damned if I can pick between the three as my favorite for this region, though I might be leaning toward Furious Bradley.

Name of the Year, Dragonwagon Regional

2010-03-29T13:55:00.002-04:00

Voting for the Bulltron regional in the Name of the Year tournament is still going on over at the Name of the Year, so please go and vote now! There have been some interesting results and one disqualification, but I’ll talk about them once all the results are in. As for now, let’s get to the Dragonwagon Regional and hope it is better than the craptastic Sithole Regional.

Dragonwagon Regional

1 Spontaneous Gordon versus 16 Shy Ely. Shy Ely is somewhat silly and rhyming, but nothing special, so we know it is going to lose. Spontaneous Gordo is actually pretty neat as a name. Listen, I am well aware that there is nothing special about this name besides the first name, and even then it isn’t that great, but it flows very nicely. PLUS, it echoes of Flash Gordon, so it gives an impression of superhero to it. As a number one seed it is very weak, but it should easily win this matchup. Really, though, Spontaneous Gordon should have been like a 7 or 8 seed.

8 King Jamell Modesty versus 9 Gergor Schinghammer Jr. Normally, any first name of royalty “King”, “Prince”, etc. is boring and nothing super special, BUT this has the wonderful contrasting last name of Modesty. The parents gave this kid one of the most immodest first name ever in King but passed on their virtuously opposite last name of Modesty. I like it. It isn’t laugh out loud funny, but something that you get a chuckle over.

Gregor Schwinghammer Jr., though, is a formidable opponent. His whole name sounds like a big burly German guy who lives in the forest (someone you do NOT fuck with), which is cool. But he also has the “Schwing” in the last name which reminds those of us of a certain age of the overused catch phrase (they would call it a ‘meme’ nowadays, damn you Richard Dawkins for coining that so long ago!) from Wayne’s World, which adds a level of oddity to a super Teutonic name. The Jr., which normally adds something, doesn’t really make it better or worse since the name isn’t silly to contrast with the formality. A solid entry.

This one is really tough, and will probably be a toss up (as any 8/9 matchup should be). I’ll take King Jamell Modesty, but I am not putting money on this matchup.

5 Dinero Fudge versus 12 Shevelle Six. Ahhhhh, Fudge, the last name that I make fun of in Harry Potter as being stupidly childish and unrealistic, turns out to be used by real people. I’m biased against it already from Harry Potter (I hated it then because it sound fake, and it doesn’t improve in real life), and the first name doesn’t add much to it. I don’t hate it like the ones in the Sithole Region, but I’m less than impressed.

Shevelle Six isn’t that great either, but it immediately reminds me of a gang of people or maybe a sports team. Yeah, that isn’t that great, but “The Shevelle Six” are a tightly knit cabal that will NOT be messed with.

I’m not high on either one of these, but I’ll pick Shevelle Six because the names go together somehow.

4 Steele Sidebottom versus 13 Pizza Ashby. Steele Sidebottom is just a weird name overall. I’m not sure what it means or if there is anything I can say to add to it since it has its own essence (Syessence?) that is undescribable yet vaguely alluring. Really, it is just an odd name that doesn’t have a theme or funniness to it, just oddity.

Pizza Ashby, on the other had, is only notable because the first name is Pizza, and that is a stupid first name. Not really that interesting and doesn’t flow with the last name. Boring.

Steel Sidebottom easily wins this, and probably the next round too. I still don’t know why I like it.

3 Starzanne Stipes versus 14 Magnum Rolle. Ok, I’m not for Magnum Rolle because I’ve heard it before so its originality is lost to me. It does, however, sound like “a very large roll”, you know, like a penis, and any penis allusion is good! However, Magnum is an adjective that is neuter, so any talk about the large penis is nullified by the fact that it really isn’t describing a male’s “Rolle.” A shame.

Starzanne Stipes, silly as hell, but sort of funnily clever. Nothing that could win this tournament, but funny for the very reason that the last name is NOT Stripes. Just like Nohjay Nimpson, the humor lies in the similarity but not exact matching of our expectations of the words. Granted Starzanne sounds like the name of someone who lives in a trailer park, but that is a winning trailer park!

I’ll predict Starzanne Stipes winning this one, though a large contingent will vote for Rolle because of the penis-soundingness.

6 Aristotle Socrates versus 11 Pepi Hamburger. You see, THAT is how you double name someone after two famous people! Not only are they both famous thinkers, they are related in terms teaching (Socrates taught Plato who taught Aristotle), and the only thing that could make this even more overdoing it would be if his middle name was Plato (though Plato wasn’t nearly the thinker of the other two). This reminds me of the old sitcom Head of the Class where they would compete in academic competitions where one of the other schools had an intimidating student named Darwin Einstein. Just like that, this name just smacks you in the face with powerful thinkers that are connected, and you cannot do anything but respect it. I likes!

Pepi Hamburger is a silly little name that is only really funny because Hamburger is also a name of one of the most popular foods in the US. It is funny, and if I met him I would chuckle for awhile, but it is nothing special. It would easily beat Pizza Ashby or even Dinero Fudge above, but it has no chance against Aristotle Socrates.

Aristotle Socrates wins this won easily.

7 Selathious Bobo versus 10 Can Du. Yes, we get it, Can Du is like “Can do!” and it gets old after the first time. Weak. Selathious Bobo has the positives of sounding like salacious, the pseudo-Latin spelling (though –ious makes it an adjective), and the fun and silly Bobo as a last name. Nothing overall funny about the combinations, but they flow together and have a fun ring to it.

Bobo easily beats the boring Du.

2 Tyquan Hammock versus 15 Pamela Balls Organista. Again, nothing special about Tyquan because it is simply a common black male name with a super-special “y”. The Hammock part is interesting because it is like the thing you chill out on, but again, WHY IS THIS A NUMBER 2? It is not that interesting, funny, unique, or outstanding in any way.

Pamela Balls Organista has the great name “Balls” in it, which gives me hours of giggling. It is a pretty boring name, and Organista is only so-so interesting, but it does have Balls as a name.

I give this as an upset of Balls overtop the Hammock in a battle of names that aren’t very interesting.

This regional wasn’t nearly as bad, bland, and boring as the Sithole regional, but it hasn’t lived up to the high bar set by the Bulltron regional. I foresee whoever wins the King Jamell Modest/Gregor Schwinghammer Jr. contest to fight the final against Aristotle Socrates. I think it is the Greek Philosophers bracket to win.

Name of the Year, Sithole Regional

2010-03-27T15:04:00.001-04:00

So the Name of the Year voting is going on (go vote now!), and it is interesting to see people’s opinions about Nohjay Nimpson. I think it might be an age thing, so that younger people may not think it is that funny. But luckily I am of the correct age to think it is funny, so I’m still on the Nohjay bandwagon (bronco?).

And for you commenters (I commented over on their blog, so that is probably why I have more commenters here) who thing you need to defend each name: please pull that big rod out of your ass. I really don’t care about the person’s history or anything, I am simply concerned with THE NAME. I don’t care if their parents MEANT to have a theme behind it because all I care about is how they stack up in the Name of the Year contest. It is great that you are defending them and all (more power to you!), but you do know you are defending them against someone who goes by “Nametard” and who has written lengthy pieces discussing badly named fantasy characters and why Madison sucks as a girls name, right? Also, yeah I see typos and wrong words and all, but correcting them is too much work. Onto the regions!

Sithole Region

1 God’s Power Offor versus 16 Peachy Trader. Yeck, I hate the name God’s Power Offor because it is too obviously trying too hard. It was seeded too high, but some people will think it is awesome (those people are wrong) so it will have backing. I think it sucks as a name of the year: no subtlety, no word play, no odd correspondence between the first and last name, and it uses a damn apostrophe. But Peachy Trader is just a silly name that doesn’t deserve any awards.

I give this to God’s Power Offor, but it will not survive a later match against the number 3 seed.

8 Special Jennings versus 9 Syessence Davis. Boooooooring. Special Jennings is ONLY special because of the first name, but so is Syessence Davis. Syessence is another one of those “lets make it special with nonsense additions to the beginning of another word” names that is crappy. I can NOT believe that these are seeded the same as Rich Tanguy!

I really don’t care who wins this one, so let’s just say Special Jennings because it invokes special education, and making fun of retarded people is always fun. God’s Power gets an easy win either way.

5 Coke Wisdom O’Neal versus 12 Typhoon Nurse. Coke Wisdom O’Neal is odd because the parents named him/her (who the hell knows?) a first AND middle name that are non-name nouns. Odd. They sort of contrast in that Coke (the drug) does not usually occur with Wisdom, but there is nothing super contrasting with them (compare it to the baseball player Angel Pagan). It is wacky, but just wacky without any real deep, meaningful essence to it besides that.

Typhoon Nurse is not something that jumps out at you, but has a subtle humor due to the relationship between the two names. It invokes some sort of aid worker helping during a storm or some shit like that. Again, it is weak, but at least the first and last name congeal to form something greater than each individual name (something that all Names of the Year should strive for).

Again, this another matchup where I’m not really happy with either one, but I’ll give it to Typhoon Nurse at the buzzer.

4 Shamiracle Johnson versus 13 Roy Spancake. Ugh, gee, I wonder what ethnicity Shamiracle Johnson could be? Another ‘add nonsense syllable to real word to make name’ entry. It doesn’t make for anything fun or interesting, just different and not in a positive way. Weak for a number 4 seed (really, this was that much better than Rich Tanguy??!?!). But Roy Spancake is just….. not interesting at all. The ONLY thing interesting is his last name sort of sounds like pancake. Lame.

Shamiracle gets this, but the whole upper half of the Sithole regions sucks.

3 Dick Smallberries, Jr. versus 14 Chinook Bacon. Heeheehee, oh we have a classic here in Dick Smallberries, Jr. Yeah, Dick plus anything if both funny and old, but this name has two great things going for it! First, the last name is sill, but it fits amazingly with the first name. First name is a euphemism for penis, and last name is a euphemism for testicles (with the added adjective of them being small). This is a good name, with the first and last name interplaying to make something special. But what really seals this for me is the “Jr.” because it makes it a little more official sounding (like Speedy Nutz above) against the silliness of it all, but also because Dick Smallberries, Sr. though “I want to keep this name going!” It wasn’t like he was the the Fourth and wanted to make give his son the same name of a long line of Dick Smallberries. Nope, instead he wanted his son to be named after him no matter how silly and weird the name might be.

Chinook Bacon is sort of funny because Chinook is a type of Salmon. But otherwise, it is not really that interesting (this seems to be a theme for most of the names of this region).

Dick Smallberries will win this in an absolute rout (see, correct spelling) and will only have to worry about Nohjay Nimpson down the road.

6 Napolean Einstein versus 11 Banana Yaya. Napolean Einstein is one of those neat “two famous people” names that jumps out at you as special, but when you think about it, there really isn’t anything special about the two names TOGETHER. There is no real connection between Napolean or Einstein, so there is no synergy with the names. This one sounds good at first, but disappoints in the end.

Banana Yaya isn’t great, but it is better than a lot of the other ones so far. It is silly sounding, and the first and last name don’t conceptually fit, but the sounds are what makes this. Banana as a first name is silly in a bad way, but Banana Yaya has five syllables with all the same vowels (or, for most Americans, mostly the same vowels) and it all flows together as one word.

I’m not happy about either of the names, but I’ll be bold (!) and predict an upset for Banana Yaya, though there is no overcoming Dick Smallberries later on.

7 Nubian Peak versus 10 Daequon Montreal. This regional absolutely SUCKS. Neither of these are really that good. Ok, Nubian Peak has the benefit of the first name being an adjective, so you can imagine that there is a mountain in Africa that this describes. But that’s about it. Daequon Montreal is only interesting because of the last name, and that isn’t that interesting at all. Daequon is relatively common amongst black males (I can name a few athletes with it off the top of my head), so it isn’t like that is unusual. Weak.

Nubian Peak wins this boring contest.

2 Tronic Williams versus 15 Waver Brickhouse. Seriously, this whole region blows. Tronic Williams is not a bad name (I know, that is weird, but I sort of like it), but nothing that makes it Name of the Year material. The only thing interesting is Tronic, but that isn’t spectacular and sort of sounds like it could be a name. Is it supposed to be sort of like chronic? Really, a number two seeding? Horrible call. But Waver Brickhouse is just as boring, but has the negative of the interesting part of the name is the last name, and Brickhouse isn’t that interesting.

Tronic Williams wins this, but again, who cares about this crappy matchup.

Seriously, the only thing that sucks worse than this region is the seeding for it. God’s Power Offor will trample through it until he gets to Dick Smallberries, Jr. who will devastate every opponent and easily win the region.

Ok, that’s it for the Sithole Region. I’ll be back for the other two regions as well as commentary on the results as they come on.

Name of the Year, Bulltron Regional

2010-03-24T21:22:00.002-04:00

I would be quite amiss in my duties as The Nametard if I didn’t think about the Name of the Year contest. Now, I do not pretend to be someone who can predict the winners of this with any accuracy (two years ago Destiny Frankenstein was robbed!), but I can do what I always do: give snarky, cynical, and (hopefully) critical analysis of the names!

(If you don't know what Name of the Year is, please go here and read about it. I absolutely love it and why I've never written a blog post about it is beyond me.)

I’ll run down the first round matchup and give my vote/analysis/prediction for each:

Bulltron Regional

1 Nohjay Nimpson versus 16 Lolita Respectnothing. Wow, Nohjay Nimpson is so awesome that there are few that could compete with such an awesome name. It combines a pun on a well known name and an alliteratively poetic sound with the fact that it is based (probably?) off of a notorious name. If OJ never killed those people (oh, and he did), then this name would merely be ok, but the infamy of his name makes this one an instant classic. I would put this as the overall favorite to win it all.

As for Lolita Respectnothing, it does have Lolita, harking back to the infamous book (one that is on my list to read one of these days), but I really don’t like the obviously manufactured last names. It is something that is an attempt to be tough and awesome, but really is immature and stupid as a name. Yeah, I know she didn’t pick her last name, but we are just judging the names themselves. I can see why this is a 16 seed. Ironically, the last name makes me lose respect for them.

This first matchup will be an absolute route.

8 Rich Tanguy versus 9 Courvoisier Riley. Wow again, because I just LOVE the name Rich Tanguy. I mean, we’ve all known people that you can describe like that, and we all HATE him. This is one of those wonderful names where it probably wasn’t obvious that the combination of first and last name would make it like that, but once you see it you can never not think about it. Seriously, this is one of those funny, but solidly funny that won’t wear off once the zaniness wears off.

Courvoisier Riley is such a crappy name. I’m not a fan of naming kids after alcohol (Brandy, Sherry, Singlemaltscotch), but especially something like Courvoisier that is a trendy booze that people who try to be all wannabe sophisticated drink. But what is damning about it is that this name is interesting ONLY because of that. If it was something like Courvoisier Brandy or even better Courvoisier Bevelacqua, then it would work. As it is now, this is simply a first name doing the heavy lifting for the last one, and it can’t even pull its weight.

A shame Rich Tanguy will meet Nohjay Nimpson after this round because those are two of my favorites in the whole tournament. I think Rich Tanguy wins this in a route.

5 Dirk Kool versus 12 Sequoyah Stonecipher. Neither jump out at me, but for different reasons. Dirk Kool is short and all, with a dagger for a first name and a good attitude/ghetto cigarette for a last name. Nothing great or bad about it, except it sounds like the name of a protagonist in a computer game. Sequoyah Stonecipher is... I’m not sure. I don’t like the added super-special ‘y’ in the first name, but otherwise it is an odd and weird sounding name that doesn’t really have a strong theme behind it. Its weird fun-ness wears off quickly, and I am not a fan of adejctivenoun names (see my fantasy name post).

I’ll give this one to Dirk Kool, but I am not invested in either.

4 Jesus Leonardo versus 13 Indiana Faithful. Damn baseball, with all its Spanish names, has ruined the name Jesus for me because I automatically read it as the Spanish pronunciation. Yeah, Jesus Leonardo is good because it conjures two great names, but I don’t read it like that so it fall flat for me. Indiana Faithful is sorta weird and doesn’t have great sticking power, but I think the seeding of Jesus Leonardo underestimated the Spanish pronunciation as a factor and put it too high.

I see Indiana Faithful in an upset, but don’t see her lasting long (it is a her, right?).

3 Hanukkah Wallace versus Cynnamon Crabb. Oh, if Cynnamon Crabb was spelled without the stupid extra-special ‘y’ I might think a little higher of it, but even ignoring that, the truth is that it is just a so-so name. Yeah, it sounds like some odd culinary fusion dish, but it could likely be a species of brownish crustacean.

Hanukkah Wallace is weird in that there is nothing really strange or special about the name except that the first name is a holiday. But the real beauty of the name is the flow of the first and last name together, with all the vowels bouncing off the consonants in rhythmic fashion and melding into something that sound both poetic and badass.

I give this to Hanukkah Wallace easily.

6 Stalin Felipe versus 11 Hitler Makofane. So it has come to this? The Name of the Year contest has been Gowin’d! Ok, seriously, the biggest mass murderer off all time against the second biggest mass murderer of all time respectively, and you KNEW the tournament committee just loved the idea of pitting them against each other. This one is tough because both of them are essentially only trading on their first name, so we have to go by how the name mesh with the last name. Stalin Felipe flows somewhat better than Hitler Makofane, but nothing to make me really want to choose it more than the other. What really wins it for me is I can imagine Stalin Felipe being someone from Cuba who was named that in some loyalty to communism, but whose ultimate legacy will be that he ended up in a blog of silly and odd names. But, unlike in real life, when this Stalin defeats Hitler, he won’t be around much longer.

Stalin Felipe in a toss up.

7 Two Willis versus 10 Dr. Speedy Nutz. You know they love to put the ‘Dr.’ in front of the fun names to juxtapose some cachet on something that might not be taken seriously. It works really well here, though, because Speedy Nutz just sound zany, while Dr. Speedy Nutz sound zanily weird but undeniably professional (because it IS someone’s professional name). Two Willis is ok, but nothing really fun or great about it. I might call it a tossup if Speedy Nutz didn’t have his advanced degree, but as Dr. Speedy Nutz, he is easily the favorite to win here in not only an upset, but a blowout.

2 X’zavier Bloodsaw versus 15 Daron Populist. Oh crap, I think they over-seeded X’zavier Bloodsaw, but Daron Populist is really weak that it doesn’t matter. I’m not he biggest fan of apostrophes in names, and the “X’z” is totally overdoing it, and it has the damn adjectivenoun last name, but dammit if that combination hasn’t won me over. I mean, if you are going to go with a name, you might as well overdo it. Seriously, it uses four of my ironic tips on how to make fantasy names despite being a real name, and the last name has the components of ‘blood’ and ‘saw’ in it. Jesus, if this isn’t the name of Demon in a fantasy role playing game, I don’t know what is! And while I think that a name like Rich Tanguy is much more awesome, I cannot deny the sheer awesomeness of the overdone fantasy clichés that make X’zavier Bloodsaw a blowout winner.

Ok, that’s all for that region, I’ll go through the other regions over the next couple days. For this region, I see Nohjay Nimpson to be the clear favorite, but he has his work cut out for him by a possible match with Rich Tanguy in the second round and an eventual (and inevitable) fight against the Demon Prince X’Zavier Bloodsaw, Archduke of the 347th layer of the Abyss.

More on the Boards!

2009-08-26T16:39:00.002-04:00

The message boards at babynames.com get my ire once again. I know I should branch out to other places, but this is such a rich source of mockability that I can’t quit it.

Caitlin asks if John David is too common and normal to fit in with her ‘sibset’ (god I hate this terminology)? Yes it is. Also, you named one of your children ‘Moa’? What, was ‘Elephant Bird’ too common and normal?

Cokabean asks about a few names. Let’s go at them in order!
-Malia = I am trying to copy off of the president. Get some originality (and I don’t like it anyways).
-Mariah = Like Mariah Carey. Too attached to a famous person (and I don’t like it anyways).
-Maribel = Sounds like Mary Bell, but with a trying to be different spelling. This isn’t an offensively bad name, but a “trying to hard to be different in the suburbs” bad name.
-Maricela = There are a bunch of ways you could pronounce that, and any of them scream ‘trying to hard’.
-Mariella = Hmmmm, I see a pattern here. While this name still strikes me as trying too hard (it is obvious you are trying too hard to fit something with a ‘Mar-‘ beginning), this one ain’t the worst of them. I’d pick this one, or go back and try to not try too hard.

Saudade asks about Shoshannah. If you are Jewish, sure, though I associate it with the whole Jerry Seinfeld thing from years back (that probably won’t matter for her generation though). If you aren’t Jewish, that would be like being some Midwestern white chick being named Juanita (see previous rules).

blue_eyed asks about Autumn, and if it goes with Caspian and Fleur. Oh, jusus fucking Christ, you are one of those horrible naming people. This isn’t a freaking piece of fan fiction here! Let me guess, you are a fan of Harry Potter and the Chronicles of Narnia? Autumn, oddly, is the least crappiest of those names, but still sucks as a first name. You are trying to be clever, but you fail.

SummerRain asks about the name Tristan. Hmmm, this is a difficult one. If Tristan is a rare name, than I think it works because it is strong, nice sounding, based in mythology, and sounds like a name. BUT…..it sounds like a trendy name that the stupid suburbanite housewives would love, so you have to be wary of it turning into Aiden or Isabella. Let’s look at the data to see….wow, it shot out of nowhere to be relatively popular in the mid-1990s and has been hovering in the 80s recently. I don’t have a problem, per se, with the name, but fear that it will be dated and trendy. Nice try though!

lindz1083 asks about Georgia or Savannah. Oh, wait, I have better options! How about Atlanta or Augusta or Macon or Athens or….

BashfulBean asks about Jesper Charles and Felix, which would go along with their current kids of Atticus Noah, Milo Theodore, and Severus Grant. Apparently they are going to start a minstrel show with their kids.

Mom2CoriWes asks about the names Brennan and Nolyn for a girl. Most of the time these boards are mutual masturbation of name appreciation where everyone says ‘I like it!’ or some other empty platitude without any real insight or critical though. Not this time, however, as people rightly see this attempt at forcing obvious boy names onto a girl. It is sad when even babynames message board people will look down on your name. Also, Nolyn has the stupid ‘replace any vowel with Y!’ rule going, so it automatically sucks.

Alexis2519 asks what people think of Alba. That is such a white name.

cokabean (again!) asks about the name Donna. That name is the definition of ‘woman’ to me.

princesskmw asks about the name Ivy. Ivy is the worst fucking plant that has ever been planted, and to name a child after such a horrid, horrible, evil fucking plant that damages fences, yards, and bricks (!) and is impossible to get rid of is bad. Bad.

Mazy asks about the names Aurelia and Beatrix for sisters. Put the Harry Potter down (and realize that Beatrix is a fucking ugly name).

winter asks about the name Poet. I’d go with Novelist, Playwright, Lyricist, or Speech Writer.

2matsigirl38 asks about the name Paisley. Seriously? Fucking horrible name in which the child will be (rightfully) mocked about her whole life.

cokabean (Jesus Christ, yet again?) asks about Carlo and Mariposa. Carlo, standard name and all, whatever. Mariposa is Spanish for Butterfly, but also slang for a gay man. Luckily someone links to this quickly, but adds ‘it’s very pretty though’. No, you cannot name a someone that, even if it is a girl. You wouldn’t name a girl ‘Faggot’ in English, and you wouldn’t name a girl Mariposa in Spanish.

2matsigirl38 (again!) asks about Emma. I know, I do this on purpose because I like to end when someone has to sign onto a message board (and pay money) to ask strangers opinions about THE MOST POPULAR FUCKING NAME FOR A GIRL FROM LAST YEAR.

Randomly Chosen Names, part 2

2009-08-19T08:48:00.002-04:00

You know the drill from below, I use dice to randomly select two boys and two girls names from the top 1000 names from last year that I must use if I have a child (they supersede yesterdays choices). Then I do the same for a friend of mine with the last name Johnson. Here goes!

Nametard Choices:
Boy
- 671 Jamie
- 308 Ronald
Girl
- 53 Kaitlyn
- 519 Caylee

Lots to work with here! Jamie as a boys name? As a nickname for James or Jamison, but as a name itself? No way, sounds bad and androgynous. Ronald? Old school baby boomer name (see my post on this), and will be called Ron Weasley by kids all growing up.

Now the girls are interesting names because they suck. Kaitlyn is Caitlin with the 'K replaces all C's' and 'Y replace a vowel' rules for making crappy fantasy names. I think I've railed on alternative spellings that are contrived many times already, so I'll leave it for now, but obvious fail. Caylee? Like Cay Lee? Sounds like a nickname or something someone would be named in a southern trailer park, WAIT, isn't it the name of the little girl who was murdered that Fox news won't stop talking about? That'll be an end to THAT discussion.

The fates were unkind to me today.

Now for the Johnson family's choices:
Boy:
- 535 Felipe Johnson
- 223 Marco Johnson
Girl:
- 516 Quinn Johnson
- 954 Azaria Johnson

Lots of fun here! Felipe Johnson is a bit mismatched ethnicity, but sort of fun I have to admit. Marco Johnson doesn't quite flow, but isn't shameful. Quinn? For a girl? No. Azaria Johnson, obviously named after Helen Hunt's ex-husband, sounds contrived. Win for boys, fail for girls in this. Felipe Johnson actually grows on me.... Hell, let's give Felipe a middle name.... rolled 456, so....
Felipe Kelvin Johnson
Hey, not bad!

Randomly Chosen Names, pt 1

2009-08-18T23:27:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I've decided that I will let FATE decide on whatever name I will pick if I ever have another child. What the heck, it might be twins so I'll pick two names. I will choose among the top 1000 names from last year and cast my lot with a d1000 (that would be a 1000 sided die, but I'll just use 3 10-siders, one for thousands, hundreds, and tens respectively, with 000 being 1000. Basic DnD stuff (not Basic DnD, but basic DnD)). I'll do it twice for each sex. So, what do the fates demand of me for naming?
Boys:
-238: Rafael
-869: Ean

Girls:
-320: Cameron
-651: Tiana

Hmmm....let's look at this one at a time. Rafael? Yeah, Ninja Turtle, painter and all, but I sort of like it! Granted, it is probably on here because of the Hispanic population of the US, but my Italian ancestry allows me to claim it. Ean? Yuck, alternative spelling of Ian that looks bad. Let's hope I don't have two boys, damn you fates!

Cameron? Oh, god, let's hope I DO have two boys so I don't have to name my daughter this. Cameron is a crappy horrible name for a girl because, first of all, I just don't like it, plus it is a boys name, a boys name that translates into something like 'broken nose', and she'll be called Cammy, which sucks. Tiana? Sounds made up, not in a good way.

1 for 4, and that is a generous one at that. We'll try again tomorrow and see what we get.

Oh, this was too fun, I'll roll another set for a friend of mine in case he ever has another kid (don't do it!), and this way we'll see how it sounds with the last name:

Boys:
-818
-614

Girls:
-787
-682

Wow, I won't look at the name just yet, but those are some high numbers, ensuring some weird ass sounding names (maybe). Let's see what the fates have chosen:
Boys: Finley Johnson or Blaine Johnson
Girls: Brisa Johnson or Zaria Johnson

Hey, that wasn't as bad as my choice! The boys names are meh, and while I think Brisa sound forced and fake, I actually like Zaria Johnson.

How to do Quick Name Choices

2009-08-17T15:28:00.000-04:00

Ok, I’ve been thinking about what would be a good name to choose if you had no ideas going in. Let’s say that I was given 15 minutes to come up with a name for a newborn child, how would I go about this? I say this because an astounding number of people really have no idea what they are going to name their child when it is born, and feel pressured to come up with a name right away.

Would I just choose a common name? No way, not for me. But, if I only had a few minutes to think about it, then I wouldn’t have time to think of the ramifications of the name. So rare or unusual names would be out too. I would have to choose a common, but not too common, name that would acceptable to the child for their whole life.

I’ll bet that if you looked at the lower half of the top 100 names, you would find plenty of suitable names like that. Just take any group of 10 and choose your favorite from their. Let’s see if that’ll work.

Since I am a more ‘rarer name’ kind of guy, I’ll choose from between 91-100 (I haven’t looked yet, I swear). Lets rate the boys and girls names I can choose from:
-Ayden (alternative spelling with ‘replace with y’ rule of trendy name, no thank you)
-Cooper (ok name, I guess, but depends on last name)
-Dominic (that’s ok)
-Brady (reminds me too much of Tom Brady, and sounds too gay)
-Caden (don’t like it, sounds forced and fake)
-Josiah (ugh, too old-school Biblical, which I guess some people like)
-Kyle (that’s ok, standard name)
-Colton (see Caden above)
-Kaden (uggggghhh)
-Eli (no thank you at all)

That’s three passable names for males (passable, but not anything I particularly like) with Josiah being a fourth if you are ok with that type of name. Girls?

-Faith (I don’t like the ‘virtue names’, but it is ok I guess…)
-Sara (fine)
-Isabelle (would say know because of the reams of Isabellas out there now)
-Caroline (fine)
-Genesis (oh my god, that is such a stupid fucking name. Sometimes people are idiots. Top 100, really?)
-Isabel (see Isabelle)
-Mary (Old school, too old school for me, but still fine I guess)
-Zoey (one of the alternatives of Zoe, which is getting relatively popular, but still fine)
-Gracie (idiot people, their daughter won’t be three forever, that’ll be a no)
-Megan (fine)

That’s six passable names. Hmmmm….not bad.

So, when in doubt, just look at a certain subset of the top baby names and pick from there. I’m still not happy with the choices, but they are better than the top 10 names.

Pretending to be Clever?

2009-08-17T15:12:00.001-04:00

I figure there are two types of namers out there: those that try to be clever and those that shun all things clever. Unfortunately we are talking about people (and people are idiots), so things usually turn out badly with either category. I think the best way to describe this is using an analogy with clothes.

People who try to be clever will often go out of their way to advertise how clever and unique they truly are, and the result is garish colors, scarves, and leggings that are accented with ‘ironic’ ‘vintage’ t-shirts and plastic glasses. We all know those people. They want you to see them as ‘being themselves’ when in reality it is contrived.

Contrast that with people who wear beige chinos and light blue shirts. Yeah, sure there is nothing particularly wrong with that outfit, and it is a mainstay for a reason, but no one thinks ‘I really like the way this looks!’

Yeah, I’m probably stretching the word ‘clever’, but you get the points. And don’t complain that ‘there are many gradations between those extremes’ because no shit! Now let’s get back to names.

Non-clever people aren’t necessarily the only ones naming their kids things like Michael and Ashley, but instead are the ones that think “I really like that names!” and then go on and ask other people opinions about it. One of the things that always pops up on the naming message boards is people asking others’ opinions of a super-common name. It is these non-clever people who do this; it isn’t so much that the name is bland or boring, but they need to make sure others think so too.

And, you know what? It isn’t bad at all that people name their kids boring names that have been the staples of naming for hundreds of years. Michael and David have been popular forever for a reason; they are good names. Sure, girls names go through trends, but Sarah and Elizabeth will stand the test of time. Now, I probably wouldn’t pick those names myself, but I have no problem with them. Why?

The reason why is that when people shy away from those name to try for something ‘clever’ they usually fail, and failure is bad when it is something that will be latched to a child for their entire life. But if you are a clever person in some area of your life, you often do not want to have a boring name for your child, so what are you to do? Luckily, you’ve been reading this blog, so you have some sensibility, but I’ll give you more by making some rules.

RULES FOR THE WANNABE CLEVER NAME GIVER

-It has to sound like a name. Any name that you give your child has to actually sound believably like a real name, even if you just made it up. This can be tricky because it is highly dependent on the culture you are in, because while a name may sound ridiculous to me in America, it may fit right in with other cultures (for example, the many incredibly short, one syllable names in China). It is like the classic Seinfeld where George’s idea for the name Seven was stolen, and he was trying to convince the couple to use the name Soda. Seven sounds like a name, but Soda? Not so much. Use your better judgment (though if you are reading this, that has already failed you).

-Do not name a child a name that is strongly associated with a character from a book/movie/play/etc. This is definitely NOT CLEVER. That means no Trinity, Indiana, Isabella Swan, or Frodo.

-Do not use fake alternative spellings. If you name your kid something that I would make fun of in a fantasy novel (see previous post), then it wasn’t clever but instead was stupid. Changing vowels to ‘y’ (Megyn), switching places of letters (Kellye), changing an ‘a’ or an ‘i’ to an ‘e’ (Megen, Kelle), adding an extraneous ‘h’ (Khelly), doubling letters that don’t need doubling (Megann), dropping a doubled letter (Kely), etc. etc. etc. These things do not do anything to the name except make it always misspelled. I don’t to hear that your grandmother was named that or any crap like that either.

-Do not make a cutesy name. That includes making a nickname a first name or having a name that sounds good as a kid but not as an adult. I’m looking at you Cory!

-Don’t use a trendy name that won’t last. Some trends are trends that’ll stay, like the loss of the first name Adolf or the rise of the name Jennifer. But some are obvious trends that will date your kid and sound stupid. Madison, Addison, and Makayla are obvious ones. If you see a name that is relatively popular but has never been popular before, you are not being clever by using it. You are being a follower and an idiot.

-Don’t use ironic old-person names. Hey, listen, I’m all about using names from older generations for kids, and I ain’t alone on this (just look at the cycling of names over the years to see). But some names are just bad sounding OLD names. So don’t name your kid Maude or Bertha or Shirley or anything like that. If the writers of Mad About You think it is a bad idea, then you know that it isn’t clever.

-Don’t use inappropriately overly ethnic names. Are Hispanic? Great, go for the name Jesus or Juanita. Russian? Ivan or Svetlana sound great. Greek? Konstantinos and Aphrodite are probably good (though I would advise against the second one for other reasons). There is nothing wrong with picking nice sounding names from other cultures, especially since here in America we have all sorts of cultures around us to get inspired from. I remember, though, watching a great episode of Frontline called “The Farmer’s Wife” where there was a cracker white woman named Juanita. I mean, wtf? I once knew a student who was an Arian looking chick from Minnesota named Tanisha. If you are picking a name from a different ethnicity as you are your spouse, do not use one that is so totally inappropriate that it seems obvious that you were trying too hard.

-No puns or wordplay. No, just don’t do it. It is stupid to do that with a freaking name. No Amanda Lynn’s, no Naveah (it is heavan, spelled backwards!), and god no alliterations please! These are crappy non-clever things.

-No first names that are too similar to the last name. No Gary Garrison, Marty Martin, Jonathan Johnson, Bill Wilson.

The most important lesson of all is do not give a name that sounds like you are trying too hard. I always say, names should be natural and not forced. If you are having trouble thinking of a name, take a break and do something else. Or go to the message boards and laugh at the bad choices people are making every day.

Message Board Boredom

2009-03-18T18:52:00.002-04:00

Once again I raid the babynames.com message board for inspiration.

-om asks “WDYTO Sanaa for a girl? As a sister to Kinan?”
Starting off with an easy one! Way too forced, with the double a at the end. If you ALWAYS have to say how it is pronounced then you know you have a non-winner. Besides any time you have a unusual double lettering (aa, ii, uu) then you know you are trying too hard.

-ma jenn asks about the names (for a boy) “Nicholas, Daniel, Andrew, Matthew, Henry, Noah, Patrick, and Tyler”
These questions always kill me. I mean, you really need people to validate your choices of some of the most common names out there? Seriously? Here are some numbers for you: “20, 5, 10, 9, 91, 14, 116, 21.” Those are the popularities of those names. Sure Henry and Patrick aren’t insanely popular, but those others are just way common. If you need people’s opinions about those names than you probably have more problems than that child that is on its way.

-mrshamer asks about her DH (she must be in the American League) liking the name Claire, but she likes Carys for a girl.
Really? Carys? Plural of Cary? No, go with Claire, though you can choose Clair, Clare, or Clara (Spanish) or Chiara (Italian, but know how to pronounce it first). Carys? Really?

-Zed asks about Jacob or Caleb.
And so it comes to this: someone is asking random people on a message board if they like the freaking most popular boys name every years since 1999! Come on, what is WRONG with you? Really, it is a name that is THE MOST POPULAR and you STILL need people to tell you they like it? Caleb ain’t much better, as it has had a slow and steady climb over the past 20 years. You had to actually PAY to get on that message board to ask this question….

-Fog-struck asks about Eustace and Temperance.
Wow, those names are SOOOOO old school, I’m not sure how I feel about them. On the one hand, those kids will be made fun of because of it. But on the other hand, who cares what other kids think? Those names are so old school they make me smile and not in a mocking way. If you pick one of those names, you have to be prepared going in for the grief you will get (especially from your kid), but if you like it go for it. Not a name for those who can’t handle, though.

Ok, The Nametard is sick and I think I’ll end on a fun note like that.

Lazy Naming

2009-03-18T13:39:00.000-04:00

If it is one thing I hate it is laziness in the creative process. Sure I also don’t like things that sound forced, but sheer laziness is even worse. If a name, for example, sounds forced then you know at least they put some thought into it and are trying (and failing, but still trying). It is the obviously lazily thought of names that get the most ire from me.

One thing that I’ve never been a fan of is giving a boy the same name as the father. Granted, if the name has been going down through the generations and the child would be the Fifth or the Sixth then that is something different because, hey, how many people do you even know of that are the Fifth or the Sixth and are not a king? Heck, I know of a Fourth and think it is really cool that you can trace your name back four generations. At that point the name itself becomes a family heirloom which has deep meaning to it.

But naming a son after you with him as just a Junior? Lazy. First, it is lazy because it really doesn’t take much though “just name him after me”, but it is worse because it is a bit egotistic to name a kid entirely after you (when you name a kid after someone you are honoring them and, what, you are honoring yourself?), but you are also saddling the kid with a name that is truly not his own. Sure, he might go by his middle name or Junior or something like that, but if you want him to go by his middle name, just name him that! And giving him the same first name as yourself, but changing the middle name, does not solve the problem at all, but instead makes it worse (“you are Joe Smith jr.? No, Joe F. Smith, not Joe E. Smith. He’s my dad”).

Laziness in names also is what makes trendy names so bad. Madison, for example (a post from earlier), is the best/worst example of trendy names, and it is incredibly lazy because people picked it because of the trend. If they did any research (use the freaking internet people!) they would have learned what it meant and why it is popular. Now we have a generation of girls saddled with a horrible name.

But lazy names really come to the forefront in literature, TV, and movies. A great example is The Office, where many of the names are dull and bland ‘normal’ names, but that fits perfectly within the show. The main character of the Brit version is David Brent and the American version is Michael Scott. Both are run-of-the-mill names (both have first names for last names, interestingly) that don’t stand out and could be people’s actual names. Within the universe defined by the show, these names work.

Now, here in America we have another show coming out called Parks and Recreation from “the people that brought you the Office”, though I imagine they are tangential producers of the American version since Gervais and Merchant are not associated with it. If you watch the previews it appears to be very un-Office-like in that it seems like it has too much forced wackiness, but whatever, I’m here to talk about names. The lead (played by Amy Poehler) name is Leslie Knope. Get it, Knope like ‘nope’? Wacky! And that silent K just adds to the wackiness! I’ll bet they use that for hilarious results. You see, the writers lazily tried to make everything wacky, including the name, despite it trying to be slice-of-life Office style. Maybe I’m being too hard on them, after all Knope might be a relatively common name despite me never ever hearing it before? Hmmmm…hello US Census site, let’s take a look. Oh, it doesn’t appear on the list of the top 88,000 last names. There are more people with the last name Abugn that there are with Knope. You see, they are taking the easy way out and thinking of wacky names for wacky characters. In this case it isn’t the names being lazy it is the creative process itself being lazy.

But the worst offender would undoubtedly be JK Rowlings. You know, I was happy to see the main character being named Harry Potter because that is just a normal, drab, boring, regular name for someone who is supposed to be so wonderful. I would half expect a stupid ajectivenoun name with fantastical components. But, nope, he is just Harry Potter which is a name that kids could relate to. She scores points with that.

I’ll even give her a pass on the use of incredibly annoying uses of jumbled Greek, Roman, and everything else mythology for names in the wizard world. Sure it is crappy sounding, but it gives the air of a different world than the regular world. Wizards probably should have these pompous and pretentious sounding names that harken back to magical sounding eras. So I’m good with that.

I start to get annoyed at the really stupid names like the last name Fudge, Dumbledore, and Hufflepuff. God, sometimes I expected the last name Pickles to show up. But those are stupid but not lazy.

The laziness is when she decides to make it quite obvious about the character (or house) from the name. Oh, look, there is Draco Malfoy. He must be bad, you know, like Draco of whom we get the term draconian from. And Malfoy, mal- being ‘bad’ in Latin. You know he is bad. Oh, look, there is Remus Lupin. In case you didn’t get the Remus part (two brothers, Rome, raised by a WOLF), there is the Lupin part which means “wolf-like.” You see, he is a WEREWOLF so he must have wolf names. Of course, he got werewolfness when he was attacked by another werewolf, but yet he was born with those wolfy names. He must have been targeted because of his all-too-appropriate names. Oh, and who targeted him? The werewolf Fenrir Greyback (Fenrir was a wolf from Norse mythology).

Sirius Black, see, Black=bad, but she did the switcharoo on you because he really wasn’t bad! She is the clever one! But, then again, the rest of the Black family was bad.

Rowlings must not know much about foreigners because, besides her horribly stereotypical accents they have, they have names that a 10 year old who only vaguely knows about foreign lands would give them. Someone from France? Give her a French sounding name, but I only know a few words so let’s through them together: Fleur Delacour. Flower of the Heart? Really?

Oh, and the stupid stupid stupid (repeat some more on your own) names of the houses! Gryffendor for bravery, you know, brave like a eagle and a lion? Of course. Ravensclaw is a horribly stupid adjnoun name for the smart house and ravens are smart, right? Sounds perfect! Slytherin, you know, they are bad and snake like and snakes slither! Hufflepuff is just a stupid name.

Laziness can come in many ways. It can be from a lack of thought, a lack of creativity, or a lack of actually thinking through the creative process. When people name characters for their stories, be it in the movies, television, books, bad internet fan fiction, or computer games, it is important that they aren’t lazy in the names as it reflects badly on every other aspect of their creative output. Names should be appropriate for the setting, not appropriate for the character’s type, personality, and role. A good test for this when you are reading (or watching, etc.) a name and you think “really? Really, THAT is his name?”

Red, White, and Blue

2008-10-14T15:35:00.033-04:00

Yes, for us in America those are our national colors. Neato! I once had a Canadian tell me the story of their national flag, and when they decided to do it, they were going to have the bars be blue, representing the sea, and the leaf be red. It made sense because water is blue, and the red/white/blue color scheme was that of both of their mother nations of France and the UK. But the more liberal people in charge (who are usually represented as red like commies, unlike our ‘blue state’ liberals in the US) dropped the blue color in it and made it all red. I’m not sure how much of that story is true, but it sounded plausible and fun, so I’m going for it (and, hey, wikipedia leads credence to it).

The end result, for whatever reason, is that they got a flag that looked better and more distinct. Sure the red/white/blue color scheme was the original idea and reflected the heritage and all, but what boring, hackneyed, overplayed, derivative colors those are. Here is a side by side of the two flags (the leaves are a bit different, but just look at the colors). Which one stands out more? Which one seems more distinct? Which one seems more iconic? Yes, and this is all because the colors.

Red, White, and Blue are the flag colors of the US, UK and all the derivate boring flags like Australia and New Zealand, France, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Chile, Costa Rica, Cuba, Panama, Thailand, and many, many more. Sure, a country may want to honor another country by co-opting their flag characteristics, but that doesn’t mean be uncreative and crappy. I’ll start out with a classic red, white, and blue flag idea: Pan-Slavic flags.

Back in the day, when lots of Slavs were subject to outside rule (ironically, many due to Russia), there was a pan-Slavic revolutionary push, and they decided that the best way to make a symbol for it was to adopt such unique color combination like red, white, and blue in horizontal tricolor stripes. Because, you know, nothings says Slav like the flag of the freaking Netherlands. But people took it seriously and the whole copycat flag took off and we now have the following flags for different Slavic countries:

No, I won’t tell you which one is which because it doesn’t matter. As far as flag design, this is a big fail on those countries. Which one is Slovakia and which is Slovenia? Who cares, they aren’t really that different. The old USSR flag was even better since it was distinct and iconic. Well, not all Slavic countries went that direction. Bulgaria thought “yeah, we like the whole unoriginality of the Slavic flag, but let’s do something different, like make the blue into green!” Ok, so then we get this flag:

Oh, wait, no, that is Hungary’s flag (who aren’t Slavs, btw). THIS is Bulgaria’s flag:

Oh, I get it, the white is on the TOP, how very distinctively Bulgarian! At least Montenegro, once they slipped away from Serbia, decided that their old flag sucked and went with something else:

It is a little busy, and the two-headed eagle is another hackneyed Slavic thing, but it is an improvement. It does look like a carpet, though.

One of the things that makes a flag good is that it is distinct and means something. Pan-Slavic inspired flags tried that but mostly failed because their ‘being distinct’ was by using a color scheme that is incredibly popular with a flag design which is incredibly popular, and which the combination of that color scheme and design was already in use by at least two other nations.

But, this isn’t the worse offender when it comes to slavish adherence (yes, pun intended, though it isn’t so much a pun since slave and slavish is derived from the word Slavic) to an insipid pan-something color and design. But before I begin that, here is one of my favorite flags:

It is nice, not too busy, has a distinct design of the cedar tree which stands out and is framed by the bars. Simple, iconic, relevant to the nation, and just plain nice. How did Lebanon do that when they are surrounded by a sea of derivative mediocre flags? Here is the Arab Revolt flag that started it all:

And here are the flags of a bunch of Arab countries (I’ll include Palestine to add to the monotony):

I mean, who would even want to be able to sort through the incredibly small differences to figure out which flag is which? They are absolutely uncreative, confusing, and in no way do a good job of representing that country’s individuality. I saw someone with one of those flag on their car the other day (odd, knowing what part of the country I live in), and I had to think which one it was. I couldn’t remember the color order of the bars, but the triangle pennant had one star. I thought Jordan…and was right! But, you know, if I have to think that through (and I love flags), then the flag designer has failed.

Ok, I’m done with flags for now. I’ll do something about names next, and then I’ll bitch about sports team names (trust me, WNBA has the worst team names) sometime later. But before I go, here are my favorite flags from around the world (in no order):

Lebanon: I already talked about this. Nice, distinctive, simple.

Estonia: This one is amazing, since it is a boring tricolor flag, but it shows how picking the right colors can easily set a flag apart from the others. White, blue, and black aren’t that unusual, but they make this otherwise standard-looking flag stick out in a good way.

United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: A composite of three flags, it is absolutely distinct, iconic, and surprisingly simple and complex at the same time.

Brasil: Though I could do without the words (writing should never be on flag), and the star pattern is a bit complex, it is still distinctive, iconic, and nice looking.

Greece: It is a bit like the US flag, but the single color scheme and the cross instead of stars design makes it work.

Israel: Like Lebanon (I’m sure that is not a comparison you hear often) it has a distinctive symbol framed by bars. Sometimes (like this and Greece and Canada) a single color and white scheme works best.

Vatican City: Yeah, it represents, what, 5 people? I don’t like the “short” look, but the unusual white and yellow bars and the symbol make it stand out without being overly complex.

Canada: Touched on above.

Georgia: Not the greatest and pretty bland, it still is better than most other flags. Beats the original flag they had.

United States of America: Yeah, I know, homerism, right? Not quite. The US flag is a nice flag that is the definition of iconic. Even if I wasn’t an American, I would like the flag.

If your favorite flag wasn’t on there, rest assured that it sucks. Oh, FYR Macedonia, you tried way too hard on your flag and it shows. As with names, flags should not seem forced, and yours was.

No names today, just flags

2008-10-14T09:43:00.014-04:00

While The Nametard is mainly interested in names, there are other similar topics that I’ll touch on occasionally. Today is one of those days as I talk about flags.

Flags are similar to names in that they are a representation of an entity, instead of a person it is a country. I could easily critique country names like Central African Republic or Uruguay, but flags are my focus today. As with names, they shouldn’t feel forced, but should also be somewhat representative of the country. When the vexillology people rated the US and Canadian flags, they tended to favor those that were “strong, simple, distinctive” and I couldn’t agree more. Hell, I think that describes my view on names (though ‘simple’ is more subjective). I like their choices for the most part:

1) New Mexico: Nice, simple, and distinctive. The color scheme of red on yellow makes it stand out to the other boring flags without making it look like a McDonalds Uniform.

2) Texas: Now Texas is interesting because, all in all, it is relatively ho-hum and is somewhat similar to the US flag (and Cuba and others), BUT it is simple and was their national flag when Texas was its own freaking country. It has history and is an actual symbol with meaning. Can’t argue with that.

3) Quebec: It is nice, despite being the boring cross general design. I wouldn’t have put it at 3 (I also wouldn’t have put Texas as 2), but a solid pick.

4) Maryland: Ok, I am incredibly biased as this is my home state and I absolutely love the flag. Yeah it is busy, but it is distinctive and has history attached to it. New Mexico probably has the only state flag that could beat it in a contest, so I can’t complain about that. Maryland would be #2 easily if I did the list.

5) Alaska: I disagree totally with this. Yay, big dipper? How is that distinctive for Alaska? Plus, it reminds me of the crappy Australia and New Zealand flags. Too much small detail with stars only. Not horrible, but not top 10 let alone 5.

6) Arizona: I like the AZ flag, it is distinctive, has distinctive colors and design and isn’t too busy. The choice of colors is a bit ugly, but better than the boring red, white, and blue.

7) Puerto Rico: Meh, it is a boring derivative of the US flag. Texas can get away with it, but that is it. At least they didn’t do something stoopid like Ohio and make it a pennant.

8) D.C.: Meh, it is ok, but nothing really distinctive. It says something about the total crap of state flags that this is actually a ‘good’ one.

9) Marshall Islands: I do not like it. I’m not a fan of the diagonally expanding streak. It looks crappy and amateurish. Crappy.

10) South Carolina: Trust me, South Carolinians love their flag. It is a symbol that you will see on any SC expat’s car. So it is relatively boring with just white on blue, but otherwise it is what a flag should be. I’d put it at #3 if I were doing this list.

Oh, and I do agree that Georgia had the worst state flag. Yeah, they changed it, but still, they even thought this was a good idea?

Collateral damage of names

2008-03-20T10:20:00.001-04:00

When we were thinking of names for our daughter, one of the possibilities was Madelyn/Madeline. It was a nice name, classy, was the name of the female lead on Moonlighting, and the nickname Maddie/Maddy was cute. But we looked at popularity data and saw that it was rising and becoming pretty popular (a slow steady rise to about 100/70 for Madelyn/Madeline respectively), so there was a threat that it may become too trendy, but what REALLY turned us off is that the nickname Maddy could also be used for Madison, the #3 name for girls and one of the worst, trendy, stupid names out there (see my post from awhile ago). So, for us, Madison helped kill our choice of Madelyn for our daughter (don’t worry, we are much happier with the name we did pick); in effect, Madelyn was collateral damage.

So what other names would be collateral damage for the super trendy popular names? Well, before I talk about that, it is interesting that as the super trendy popular names grow in popularity, it actually INCREASES the names that would have related nicknames (like Madelyn increasing along with Madison). You see, most people are sheep (oh, not you of course!) and when things get popular, they want to join in. But some people want to be different, so they will do alternative (sometimes stupid alternative) spellings or similar sounding names. That way, they are being unique but still are sheep following the crowd (their uniqueness is superficial, but enough were they can pretend they aren’t blindly following everyone else). For people like me (I’m sure I am a sheep for many things, but not for naming children), Madison killed Madelyn and Madeline, but for others it just increased the attractiveness of similar-to-trendy sounding names. Just look at Emily being hugely popular (#1 every year since 1996) followed closely by Emma’s rise to hugely popular (#2 now).

I remember when I was in high school there was a girl named Genevieve. I didn’t know her, but I knew she went by Gen/Jen, which sort of killed any originality of her name (I don’t like the name anyway) because there were hundreds of Jennifers that went by Jen in my school (born in the 70s and all). So while her name was not Jennifer, it might as well have been. In my opinion, Jennifer killed Genevieve for children in the 70’s.

What about now? For years girl’s names have been much more in flux than boy’s names, but that seems to be changing. Michael finally lost its top spot (though it is #2) and we are getting names like Aiden and Ethan and Noah being hugely popular, so soon we may have a situation like with girls names where the turnover is relatively quick, making certain names seem trendy and dated for each generation. So while Christian has had a slow steady climb for the last few decades, in reality most people will call him Chris, which is the main nickname of Christopher (“Topher” is a horrible nickname for this, I’ll explain why someday), which has been a top name for quite a while now.

If you want to name a child something that isn’t common or trendy, while it is important that you get a name that is not a variant of a common or trendy name, it is also important to not name them something that sounds like a common or trendy name or can be nicknamed to the same nick as a common or trendy one.

For multiple reasons, I looked up Addison and almost puked. Yeah, we get it, you don’t want to be trendy by naming your daughter Madison, so you go with Addison (just like on Grey’s Anatomy! Twice damned name). But you know, you are being just as trendy, look at the data (year and rank for girl’s names):
1994: 800
1995: 677
1996: 547
1997: 475
1998: 403
1999: 369
2000: 322
2001: 270
2002: 220
2003: 191
2004: 160
2005: 106 (a character on Grey’s Anatomy shows up with this name!)
2006: 27 (she becomes more popular on the show!)

God only knows what it’ll be like for 2007, since she got a spinoff that year! People are idiots.

Name that generation!

2008-03-19T10:42:00.000-04:00

How do generational names hold up? I have no idea of the term ‘generational names’ exists, but for us they are popular names from specific generations. So I’m going to see if these names tend to be iconic for those generations or, more specifically, how those names fared for present-day child naming. We’ll look specifically at the Baby Boomers and Generation X because they represent my parents and my generation, and for ease, we’ll define them loosely by decade (using the SSN decade name data) with 40’s for boomers and 70s for gen x. As always, I haven’t seen the data yet, so it’ll be a surprise to me. I’ll list these with their generation popularity (current popularity): my comments.

Baby Boomers (40’s births):
Boys
1. James (16)
2. Robert (47)
3. John (20)
4. William (10)
5. Richard (99)
6. David (13)
7. Charles (60)
8. Thomas (51)
9. Michael (2)
10. Ronald (251)

Top boy’s names tend to be pretty conservative over the years, so this isn’t that much of a surprise. Ronald does seem more in that era than in this one, and Richard isn’t that popular (maybe because of the downfall of the nickname Dick), but otherwise nothing screams “baby boomer” and the numbers bear that out.

Baby Boomers (40’s births):
Girls
1. Mary (84)
2. Linda (462)
3. Barbara (561)
4. Patricia (413)
5. Carol (968)
6. Sandra (364)
7. Nancy (326)
8. Sharon (623)
9. Judith (577)
10. Susan (611)

Wow, now there are some iconic baby boomer names! Mary was popular for a longtime (#1 forever) but had dropped considerably, but that’s nothing compared to the other ones. When you mention the names Linda, Barbara, Carol, Sharon, or Judith you immediately think of someone of that age-group, right? Plus EVERY name on there seems anachronistic on a baby born last year to some extent. I’ve had plenty of students over the years (hundreds and hundreds) and I don’t think I have ever had a student named Linda, Barbara, Carol, Sandra, Nancy, Sharon, or Judith, while I have had multiples of every male name from that generation. There is much more turnover amongst top female names in general, so I’ll bet you get the iconic generational names mostly from females for Generation X (my guess is Jennifer obviously, but also Megan and Lauren and Amy and others), so let’s do them now!

Generation X (70’s birth)
Boys
Oh, these are all boring and still really common, though Jason and Christopher are hugely common here. Let’s just jump to the girls.
Girls
1. Jennifer (51)
2. Amy (128)
3. Melissa (117)
4. Michelle (80)
5. Kimberly (58)
6. Lisa (503)
7. Angela (114)
8. Heather (341)
9. Stephanie (70)
10. Nicole (74)

There you go! Note that we can’t compare the drops directly with the baby boomers because the boomers had 30 more years to drop. But knowing it is only about 30 years, those are some big drops. Jennifer dropped to 51, which may not seem like a big deal except that Jennifer wasn’t just #1 for the 70’s, but there were a more girls named Jennifer than named Amy and Melissa COMBINED, a LOT more. So a drop from such a commanding #1 to 51 is quite a big deal. Most of the other have dropped considerably, especially Lisa and Heather. Hell, reading through this list sound a lot like attendance call in my school growing up. And while these names are totally out of the question for girls born recently, they are somewhat iconic for the generation. Give them 30 years and they’ll be just like the boomer names.

Message boards to start the Nametard Revolution!

2008-03-18T15:37:00.002-04:00

As I’ve been posting every day on my real blog (family stuff, you don’t want to read it), I’ve decided to do stuff here on The Nametard! I’ll kick-start it all with some message board lurking!

We’ll start with babynames.com since it is nice and reliable (dang, I had to signup for them, but luckily the login “Nametard” wasn’t taken, but I can’t reply without paying! Who the hell would ever pay to post on this message board? Have I ranted on this before? Do I have another login and forgot about it?):

• scrambledmeggs is going to give birth to Mason in 3 months and already is asking for names for a future kid that would go well with Mason. There can be only one choice: Dixon. But seriously, uhhhh, you have at least 14 months before another kid would be born, why not just wait and see if a name that you like comes along?

• ndmommy asks about if Asher is too trendy, Elliot is good for a girl, and Ellis for a boy’s name. Asher has had a slow climb up the charts in the past 15 years, going from nowhere to in the 252 last year. Its slow and steady climb makes it look like it is becoming trendy, but you’ll be in on the front end of the trend, so you should be fine. Besides it has the whole biblical name thing going for it if you want. Elliot is a boy’s name and is a bad name for a girl, you should stop watching Scrubs so much. Ellis may be ok, but that depends on your last name, but it may sound weak.

• Jenaphora asks about the name Laila or Layla. Not my favorite, but once she gets the Eric Clapton remarks (and she will get them EVERY time she meets someone), she’ll hate you for it and go by her middle name.

• Helen asks about the names Reid, Cale/Kale, Keir/Kier, and Ellis for a boy. Reid might be a kick-ass sounding name depending on the last name, but it could also sound like crap depending on the last name. Cale/Kale is a vegetable, so you can’t do that. Keir/Kier is a crappy name that smacks of trying too hard. I already touched on Ellis. Think on this some more is my advice.

• Special~Kate asks about the name Noah. Now it always strikes me as odd when people ask strangers their opinions of common names like this since thousands of other people seemed to like it last year. Noah has been quickly gaining in popularity over the past 15 years and is a top 15 name last year. If trends continue, it looks like it’ll keep getting more popular, so you are in effect giving your kid a very popular and trendy name. It is a lot like Madison, but with the bible as its origin rather than a crappy 80s movie.

• Freckles asks about the name Raylena. It sounds like you are trying too hard, with the added bonus of sounding like someone from a trailer park!

• August Rose has some questions about names (and I’ll be serious for you even). She loves the name Sawyer, and her husband agrees to name her son that even though he doesn’t really like it, so she is rethinking it. Note that she says her daughter has an unusual name, so nothing too common for her son. Honestly, Sawyer reminds me too much of Lost. Don’t get me wrong, Sawyer on lost is awesome, but since Lost started, the name went from 441 to the 247 in just a couple years. I see a trend, so stay away. She mentions August and Aiden. She is worried about the popularity of Aiden, it being at #44, but it is really #30 and is a steady climber, so stay away. August just doesn’t sound good as a name, BUT Augustin or Agustin or Augustine or Augustus or any similar name is fine. I actually like Augustin or Augustino, and he can be nicknamed Auggie, or Tino (no need for only Gus, which she doesn’t like).

• owl asks is Evie needs a formal name. God yes, she isn’t going to be 4 forever! It amazes me that people would even think to ask this.

• Jenaphora (again!) asks about the name Georgia. Sorry, the state forever took it. You could go with Sakartvelo instead (obscure reference I had to look up, yay!).

• Owl (again!) asks about Hazel and Edelweiss. Yes, Hazel was your grandma’s name, that’s because it is a freaking old person name! Edelweiss? Now I know you must be trolling…

• Honey asks about the name Walker. It took an astonishingly long (for me at least) 5 posts before the words “Texas Ranger” came out. Some people may think it would be cool to name a boy that. Don’t be that type of idiot.

• And finally ilovedisney asks what we think about the name Anli. The first replier, in a turn of events that is shocking, gave her a pure, honest answer that says exactly what I would have said. “I dislike it because it seems contrived.” Well said brokentv, well said.

Tune in next time where I will actually write something!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck has a boy

2007-11-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is on the View, which I don't watch because a) I work, and b) I am a heterosexual male, but I DO remember her from her days on Survivor: Outback. I thought she was cute, but I thought Amber was much more attractive. Seriously. Really, I remember having discussions about this with people in my lab at the time, what, 6 years ago. So when Elisabeth joined The View and started to talk, her true idiocy came shining through and I basked in the glory of being more vaguely attracted to a different person on the same reality show she was on. Ahhh, I was the good life. Then, of course, Amber went onto Survivor: All-Stars, met Boston Rob, became Ambah, and went on to at least 3 other inane reality shows (ok, the Amazing Race isn't bad, but the others...). I realized that it doesn't matter which person on Survivor is the hottest, they all are probably attention whores who are best viewed without actually listening.

Oh, and for the record, Shawna from Survivor: Amazon is the hottest contestant. Now, do understand that I haven't watched this last one (no time, maybe on the internets one day), and I haven't actually heard her say anything after the show ended. My image of her hasn't been spoiled by reality, so in my mind she might be a brilliant mathematician or a inspired historian of the Greco-Turkish War.

So, back to baby names. Elisabeth is married to NFL quarterback Tim Hasselbeck (no, not Matt, the other one, yeah, the third stringer who never sees any game time), and I guess they are going with the T's because they named their kid Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck. They must have been big Home Improvement fans.

Oh, I was going to look up stuff for Shawna from Survivor: Amazon, but seriously, I don't want to have my fantasy dispelled by finding out she is something like a right wing idiot (ala Hasselbeck), a reality show attention whore, a struggling wannabe 'actor', or some other jarring revelation.

High school dropouts can't handle the Nametard!

2007-11-12T17:11:00.000-05:00

So, I checked to see what level of reading is required for this haphazardly updated blog, and it appears you need a high school education to read it.

Wow, and to think, actually graduating high school seems to be working in my favor now. I wonder, though, if it was pushed up in appropriate age by me using the word 'tits' below?

Oh Those Wacky, Crazy Celebrities!

2007-10-14T21:57:00.000-04:00

In name news:

Wannabee celebrity Jordan (she's British and is known basically for having big tits) is truly an idiot.

That whole idiot naming brought out critiquing of celebrity baby names over in Britland. This article on msn thinks that these are "crazy celebrity names", along with my views (in italics):

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow – Apple and Moses

Apple is stupid, but Moses is a nice, strong, old name

Forest Whitaker – Ocean, True, Sonnet and Autumn

I totally disagree. Just because they are different doesn't mean they are crazy. I think those are actually nice names, and Autumn has been a top 100 name for quite awhile now. Honestly, Ocean seems weird, and True needs a good complementing middle name, but I kinda like Sonnet.

Bob Geldof – Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie and Peaches Honeyblossom

He (and their mother) was either trying too hard, or really wanted to have strippers for kids

Jonathan Ross and Jane Goldman – Betty Kitten, Honey Kinney and Harvey Kirby

Honestly I have no idea who these people are, but these names aren't that bad, certainly not 'crazy'. Honey as a first name is crappy, condescending, and strippertastic. I'm fine with Kitten as a middle name, and the rest isn't very odd anway.

Will Smith and Jada Pinket – Willow and Jaden (see what they did there?)

Yes, I see what they did, so? That isn't 'crazy', though Britney has officially killed Jaden as a name.

Michael Jackson – Prince Michael, Prince Michael II, Paris Michael

Stupid, but not crazy. Of course, Michael Jackson is crazy, and there is no way these white kids are his (hi, Michael, you know Lamarck wasn't correct, right?).

Mel B – Angel and Phoenix Chi

I think she is a Spice Girl. These names smack of trying too hard, trying to be all spiritual/mystical, and pave the way the only possible employment being 'stripper'.

Posh and Becks – Brookyn, Romeo and Cruz

I guess the Brits call him Becks, who knows. But, there really isn't anything 'crazy' about these names. Romeo, like the play, HOW CRAZY! Brooklyn, like New York, HOW CRAZY! Cruz, like the name Cruz, HOW CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!! I have a feeling the author is an idiot.

Anna Nicole Smith – Dannielynn and Daniel

Are they crazy because they are similar sounding? I don't understand why that is 'crazy'.

Jamie and Jools Oliver – Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo

You see, THAT is crazy and stupid!

David Bowie – Zowie

Is it crazy because it is spelled to look like his last name? Honestly, That looks less crazy than Zoe (I ain't doing the diacritical marks).

John Travolta and Kelly Preston – Jett (named after John’s love of planes)

Actually, it was named after his love of magazines aimed at black people.

Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives) – Eden and Savannah

I think I touched on this before.

Interesting how they have to point out that Marcia Cross is on Desperate Housewives, yet I couldn't place about 1/3 of the people they assume I should know. Those Brits, HOW CRAZY!

yeah, this is re-formatted from earlier in the week...

More Judging People Judging Celebrity Baby Names, Part 1

2007-10-14T21:56:00.002-04:00

In the spirit of people judging names to be crappy in the previous post, here is another article doing the same. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about judging people's name choices, but I have reasons besides "oh, that name sound weird and....just plain ol' CRAZY!"

Wow, 50 names to judge, where to begin! Note, the author thought they were all crazy, but which one was the most craziestest we may never know since they are in alphabetical order. Also, again the authors use the term "craziest" for names, though we shall see how crazy they are (my views in italics)

Aanisah: Macy Gray (also mother to Tahmel)

I guess Arabic names are crazy, which explains how 9/11 happened

Apple: Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow

Stupid name, I agree

Astrella Celeste: Donovan and Linda Lawrence (also parents to Oriole Nebula)

Ok, Oriole Nebula sounds wackjob, but Astrella Celeste? That may not be a common name, but it sure isn't crazy. Guys, have you ever been to a country that speaks a Latin-derived language?

Atherton Grace: Don Johnson and Kelley Phleger

I don't mind the name much. Of course, I am a fan of place-names for names, so take that for what it's worth. Unusual? Maybe not too feminine (though middle name saves it from androgyny)? Sure. Crazy? Nope.

Audio Science: Shannyn Sossamon

I have NO idea who Shannyn Sossamon (oooooh, look, Shannyn with a Y! Clevery!) is, but this truly is a stupid and crazy name. Shannyn, you suck at naming!

Aurelius Cy: Elle Macpherson and Arpad Busson

Odd, of course. Crazy? Uhhh, maybe you should look up stuff that is all Latin and all. Classic name, not crazy name.

Blue Angel: U2's The Edge and Aislinn O'Sullivan

Yeah, crazy and all, but what do you expect from someone with the first name of "The"?

Bluebell Madonna: Geri Halliwell

I don't even understand this one. Crazy and stupid at the same time. Bluebell? You know, when she's a teenager what guys will call her if she doesn't put out, right?

Brooklyn: David and Victoria Beckham (also parents to Romeo and Cruz)

Look, I just don't understand why people think this is crazy or even weird. It's not even that rare a name (top 100 this year, been slowly creeping up lately. Is that related to this? I'm too lazy to look it up now).

Calico: Alice and Sheryl Cooper (also parents to Sonora Rose)

Calico is odd, I know, but Sonora Rose is a great name. Dude, Alice Cooper lives in the Sonoran Desert. Calico is odd, maybe not crazy though, but Sonora Rose is a great name. The authors must have been pressing to get up to the supermagic 50 number.

Camera: Arthur Ashe and Jeanne Moutoussamy

ACK, I was going to defend this because maybe it wasn't pronounced like the picture-taky-thing, thinking that the mom was French or something, but NOOOOOO, Wikipedia had to inform me that Camera was named that because her mother was a photographer. Is that crazy? Hell yes, and stupid. My son was almost named Microcentrifuge and my daughter was almost BioQuip Light Forceps.

Destry: Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw

Hmmmm, I wouldn't name my kid that, but it isn't really odd, let alone crazy. Different does not equal crazy people!

Diezel Ky: Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis (also parents to Denim Cole)

Named that because Unleaded Ky just sounded too crazy.

Fifi Trixibell: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates (also parents to Peaches and Pixie)

Touched on below, but crappy, stripper names. On a positive, I look forward to seeing their inevitable sex tape(s) when they turn 18.

More Judging People Judging Celebrity Baby Names, Part 2

2007-10-14T21:56:00.001-04:00

Continuing from previously....

Fuchsia: Sting and Frances Tomelty

Fuchsia was actually the color of my graduate gown for high school (they wanted it to be more maroon apparently). It sucked as a graduation gown color almost as much as it does as a name.

Gaia: Emma Thompson and Greg Wise

Ok, these idiot authors need to take some lessons in Latin and Mythology.

Gulliver: Gary Oldman and Donya Fiorentino

Gulliver sound retarded. No, not retarded as in 'stupid', but retarded as in 'retarded'. Crazy? No, but bad? Yes.

Heaven: Lil' Mo (also mother to God'Iss Love Stone)

Also the name of one the kids in my kids' daycare (spelled fantastically with a 'y' though!). Let's hope this girl becomes a stripper, because the only other option is prostitute.

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily: Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence

Michael Hutchence died, not from suicide, but from auto-erotic asphyxiation during masturbation gone wrong resulting in him hanging to death. Seriously, look it up. After understanding that, the stupidity and, dare I say, craziness (!) of the name makes sense.

Hopper: Sean Penn and Robin Wright

It is a classic "last name as first" thing, which isn't all that bad. I think Hopper may not be a great first name, but maybe there is a reason they picked that last name for a first name. Not crazy people, sorry.

Ireland: Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger

Seriously, why do people freak out when kids are named place-names? It ain't a bad name, and it ain't crazy.

Jaz: Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi

Yes, they were trying too hard to be different. Stupid, but not crazy. Ok, maybe a little crazy.

Jazz Domino: Joe Strummer

I'm gonna give Joe Strummer a free pass because not only is giving weird names in line with the punk ethos, but he obviously was paying homage to a type of music and a performer.

Jermajesty: Jermaine Jackson and Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza (previously married to Jermaine's brother Randy)

THERE YOU GO! Crazy all over the place! Plus, they had to add that she was married to his brother before, to add emphasis on the CRAZY.

Kal-El Coppola: Nicholas Cage (Kal-El is Superman’s original birth name)

But you already knew Nick Cage is an idiot (and a hack actor)? Note, Coppola is Nick Cage's real last name.

Kyd: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni

Thanks to the wonders of Wikipedia, I learned that Kyd Miller Duchovny, while named Kyd, actually is called Miller by his parents. That actually makes it not bad. Kyd, as a name, is crappy, but if the kid (I resisted, sorry) goes by his middle name, then you have to think about it differently. I don't see it as a problem, though it seems that the authors conveniently left out the middle name (while saying others) to make a point. Boo on you authors.

Lark Song: Mia Farrow and André Previn

Wow, I am in shock, but I actually LIKE it. Even if I didn't like it, I wouldn't think it was crazy or stupid.

Lennon: Liam Gallagher and Patsy Kensit

Why is this "crazy"?

More Judging People Judging Celebrity Baby Names, Part 3

2007-10-14T21:51:00.000-04:00

Continued from previous...

Liberty: Ryan Giggs

This rarely showed up in the Social Security name base before... (wait for it)... 2001! After 9/11, Liberty became (a little) popular. Despite that, Liberty actually isn't a bad name, and definitely not 'crazy'. Now if you name your kid "Fascism", then that would be a different story.

London Emilio: Slash

The idiot authors must think naming kids after places is "crazy". The authors, for the most part, are idiots.

Luna Coco Patricia: Frank Lampard and Elen Rive

Who the hell are these people? Whatever, the name is odd, sounds almost stripperic, and adding the 'regular' name as a third name doesn't help it.

Marquise: 50 Cent

Huh? And why is this "crazy", let alone odd or anything. Because the -e at the end? Authors, honestly, you are probably the types of idiots who name their kids Michael John David Jacob Smith, which is a much crappier stupid name.

Memphis Eve: Bono

The reason I have don't like it is not because it is a place-name, but instead think it sounds odd. "On Memphis Eve we used to open our presents and then eat barbecue and listen to Elvis."

Moon Unit: Frank Zappa, also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin

A classic in craziness, but you do know he was going for "crazy", right? If you are trying to be crazy, then it just isn't the same...

Moxie CrimeFighter: Penn Jillette (also father to Zolten)

See, there you go! Stupid, crazy, and almost as idiotic as the writer of the article!

Ocean: Forest Whitaker (also father to Sonnet and True)

See below, but oh mister Author, you got my hopes up with the last one, but now I see you as an idiot again with this choice. How can you redeem yourself in my eyes?

Pilot Inspektor: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf

You are redeemed, dear author! This truly is crazy and stupid!

Poppy Honey: Jamie and Jules Oliver (also parents to Daisy Boo)

Yawn, see below, stripper, prostitute, sex tape, etc.

Rocket: Robert Rodriguez (also father to Racer, Rebel and Rogue)

You know, the mother can contribute to naming too? Robert Rodriguez is an action director, and these names obviously stem from his testosterone-fueled desire to have 'cool' and 'radically awesome' names. He better have compromised with his wife on other things to get these names....huh? Who is Rose McGowan?

Rufus Tiger: Roger Taylor also father to Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy

Variations on a theme: Male stripper, male prostitute, gay male sex tape, etc.

Saffron Sahara: Simon and Yasmin Le Bon (also parents to Amber Rose and Tallulah Pine)

Oh, dear rushed author, you really think this is crazy? I really like the name Saffron. And what is wrong with Amber Rose, and Tallulah Pine (ok, scratch the last one). All the goodwill from you making fun of Pilot Inspector is gone! FOREVER!

Sage Moonblood: Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack (also parents to Seargeoh)

Moonblood? You know, I think Moonblood is a Druid/Wizard who wields a +2 Scimitar of Speed and specalizes in divining magic.

Satchel: Spike Lee and Tonya Lewis Lee

Wow, I make fun of the idiocy of the author, but you really should take some American History and learn who Satchel Paige is.

Seven Sirius: Andre Benjamin and Erykah Badu

Sorry guys, not because she was a fan of Seinfeld (and Howard Stern for the middle name). It is some stupid "Numbers have power!" crap.

Shiloh Nouvel: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Yeah, I've talked about this below. HOW CRAZY!!!!!

Sosie: Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick

Unusual, but not crazy. Actually not a bad name. Author doesn't know a crazy name from a whole in his ass.

Suri: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Already covered below. Bad name, not crazy though.

Tallulah: Bruce Willis and Demi Moore (also parents to Scout and Rumer)

Tallulah is a Choctaw name. Oh those Injuns, how CRAZY! Scout and Rumer suck as names, but the one they pick is an actual name from a different language. I wouldn't say the author is crazy, just stupid.

Willow Camille Reign: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith

See below. Ok, the Reign is odd, but seriously, how is this "crazy"?

Zola Ivy: Eddie Murphy and Nicole Mitchell

Huh? How is this "crazy" let alone "weird" or "unusual"?

Wow, that was crappy 'crazy' list. The author needs to actually think through his list of "crazy names" before he writes it up. What do you expect from the internet though...wait....this was in The Times?

How to Make Fantasy Names!

2007-10-13T14:47:00.000-04:00

This is something I wrote years ago (you can tell because the example is from a computer game that came out in 1998), but it is still relevant. I've posted it a couple of places, so if you see it somewhere else, tell me because it is totally my own original writing. Over the years there are a few more I can think of, but this is the original piece (now in Lucida Grande font for the extra fantastical look!).

The Nametard's Guide to Making Fantasy Names

Yes, I know what you are thinking, “how can I make names for my characters in my fantasy book/computer game/role playing game?” Fear not, for I have a simple little guide of rules that I have gleaned from years of reading bad fantasy and playing the games. A book full of good fantasy name could mean the difference between being a successful hack writing about dark elves and an unsuccessful hack writing about dark elves. Do you want to be Salvatore or some cheap knock-off writing on fan fiction message boards? Though I am not sure if one is better, I will tell what makes a good fantasy name.

Rule #1: The Adjectivenoun. What, you might ask, is Adjectivenoun (adjnoun)? It simply is the most common way that people put together names to make them sound fantasyish. Examples, yes examples. The best (worst?) example is from the beginning of Baldur’s Gate (the computer game) where you meet someone in the inn at the beginning named Elvenhair Firebeard (or is it Firebeard Elvenhair? Does it matter?). You see he has not one, but TWO adjnoun names! Yes, first is Elvenhair, with ‘Elven’ being the adjective and ‘hair’ being the noun. Same with Firebeard, ‘Fire’ being the adjective and ‘beard’ being the noun. See now? Anyone can make an adjnoun name, and many have, despite the fact that these are very very rare in real life. But hey, this is FANTASY right? In this world women can do anything men can do and half the population has adjnoun names. Don’t believe me? Here is an examples from the top of my head:

The Dragonlance Chronicles: Tasslefhoff BURRFOOT (Tasslehoff is even one, but we’ll let it slide), GOLDMOON, RIVERWIND, Sturm BRIGHTBLADE, Flint FIREFORGE, plus I am sure there are others. How did Caramon and Rastlin Majere get non-adjnoun names? What were the writers thinking?

Q’s, X’s, and Z’s. The more of these ‘unusual’ letters you can get, the more fantastical the name can sound! Start the name with an X for added effect. Extra points if you can get a Q in there WITHOUT the U!
Use your Y’s. Replace any vowel with a Y. Yes, it works to make it look more Olde Englishe, which we know was a magical, dragon-filled time. And it works for ANY vowel!
Don’t forget the K’s. Why ever use a C? HAH! No self respecting fantasy name would ever have a C in it when a K can do! I can’t explain, but the K just adds that fantasy element that a C can’t.
Liberally use H’s. Tired of the plain old consonants? Throw an H behind one and you immediately get a fantastical filled name. An LH combination is much better than an L (Lors? Nah, Lhors is much better). But it works for almost any consonant, not just L. KH is good, as is NH, RH (wait, that is real English!), BH, DH, and the list goes on and on. You get more points for putting the H in FRONT of the consonant. I must advise that only experts start a name with the H in front of the consonant though.
Kill the vowels. In a place where magic is king, it must have taken the place of vowels. The more consonant sounds you can string together the better. Also dragons have lost the ability to have a name that has any vowels in it at all.
Use anachronisms. You see this is fantasy, so you can use any historical name and know that no one will know it from outside your book. Want to give and assassin the name of a Greek god of the hunt, go for it! It doesn’t matter that the god was female and the assassin is male. It doesn’t matter that there is no reason for that name to be in this setting. Sure there is a Javan river, but there doesn’t have to be a Sumatran river. It doesn’t even matter that it is distracting to have a hammer named after a shield of a Greek god for there are no Greek gods in that land. Speaking of that hammer, we now get to THE most important rule for make kewl fantastical sound names for your own fantasy setting...
Avoid straight chains of letters. They are boring. The more apostrophes and dashes you can get into the name the better. What good is Harold when Ha’rold is much better. Or better yet, Har-o’ld! The dashes, though, aren’t nearly as important as the apostrophes. It just looks cooler and fantasticaller.
So what have we learned? Just to use Baldur’s Gate as a reference, we can see that the NPCs were all all wrong! Look at their names. Below I list their game names and a much better, fantastical version that should suite them better.

Imoen (bad), I’moen (better), Y’mo-en (much better), Y’mo-yn (bulls-eye!)
Xzar (Whoah! This one is great, but could use a Y or an apostrophe, though I ain’t complaing)
Montaron (ooh, needs work), Montyr’n Stealpocket (better)
Khalid (good use of H, but still…), Qha’lyd
Jaheira (needs a Y, an H around the r, and another name), Jy’heihra Lincoln
Ajantis (hmmmm, I’ll just add a last-name here from two rules above) Ajantis Blueatlantis
Garrick (Garrick? Hows about) Ga’rryq
Kaigan (again, good use of K, but) Kyi-g’n
Kivan (obviously needs an H and an apostrophe), Hki’van
Minsc (lets leave Minsc alone, but that C should be a K!)
Dynaheir (good use of y, but…) Dynaheir Spellthrower
Edwin (WHAT! A normal name! This has to go!) E’Dwynh
Branwen (Another real name, though it needs something, luckily we have Elaine Cunningham’s (oddly more conventional) version of the name) Bronwyn (though still needs a dash or something)
Xan (oooh, again a X beginning name, how fantasy! I’ll just add one thing) Xan’
Shar-Teel (Dash = good! Though whats with the double E? Needs double Y) Shar-Tyyl
Viconia (obvious Y application, and replace the second I with an apostrophe) Vycon’a Nightwalker OR V’cynia Darkelven
Safana (H’s are much needed here) Sahfha’na
Coran (Needs a K and a last name) Koryn Ladysman
Eldoth (can’t remember the spelling here but) El-Dhohth
Skie (hmm, can’t use a Y, because Sky is spelled like this…) Sq’iy
Yeslik (hmmm, using a Y as a consonant takes away from our arsenal, but what can you do? We can work with this) Yyslyq Holedigger
Quayle (hmmm, since this is based on Danny himself, can’t change much. Drop the u at least!)
Alora (hmmm how about ) Aurora (or) Aurora Thiefgirl
Tiax (use of X is good, but needs a last name) Tiax Crazygnome

Now you too can also do this! No need for boring ‘Jaheira’ anymore!

Time for Friday Message Board Lurking!

2007-10-12T16:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm back to babynames.com to lurk. Let's jump to the messages!

live_love_laugh recently "came across the last name Syme (prn. like time with an S)" and asked about it as an alternative to Simon. Look, live_love_laugh, I know it is very difficult to find the perfect baby name, but Syme just smacks as trying too hard. It sports the 'alternative y' vowel, and (despite it being a last name) seems like it was just made up by a 7 year-old writing her epic story of girl who saved the twin pink unicorns from the Dragon. Seriously, there isn't anything horrible about the name, but (and I said this before) it really sounds like you are trying too hard to be different. Names should feel natural, not forced.
cridda's "dh" (I hate this terminology, by the way) changed his mind, so she lists the following possibilities: Emma Sophia, Isabella, Grace, Sophie, Isabelle. Cridda, let me offer these numbers: 2, 4, 9, 17. Those are the popularity of Emma, Isabella, Sophia, and Grace from last year (I'm ignoring the alternatives of Sophie and Isabelle because they are the same names). If you want your child to be Emma L., Isabella L., Sophia L., or (to a lesser extent) Grace L. for their entire lives, then those are fine names. Know, however, that you picked amongst on the most common names out there. If you are fine with that, then name your daughter that (she may or may not like being 'another Emma'), otherwise, just go down on the list to some less popular but still mainstream names.
Countrychick asks if we prefer Julianne or Jillian, and she does not plan on using nicknames (good luck with that!). If you plan on not using nicknames, then Jillian is far superior since it is only 2 syllables (well, one syllable and a dipthong). English speakers (is it other languages??) really have some sort of psychological block of saying 3 syllable names. My daughter has a 3 syllable name and, despite being straightforward and telling the daycare that we want them to not use nicknames (we do, but that's different), they still call her a shortened form of it (her calling herself that doesn't help). Also, stick with the J rather than G spelling (from another post of hers).
PrincessLeia asks about the name Octavia. Honestly, I like the name. Hard to nickname, but you have options. You can use the Ottavia spelling (I think this is it in Italian, and I probably should know that too), or go with Octaviana as a homage to Augustus Caesar. I do have a soft spot for Classical names.
jfkglfr ask about the name Ace. God no! I mean, sure you might like sports alot, or think your kid will be 'cool' with the name that invokes poker and jet fighters, but we aren't 11 year-old boys naming kids here. Ace really sounds like a nickname some immature person would have.
Novermberleaf asks about the name Fisher. In theory, this is a fine name. Strong name based on a last name about a job that real men do. In practice, he'll be nicknamed Fish.
AmberWaves asks about the name Zipporah. She can't be serious here. Yes, whatever, the name basically sounds like 'zipper'. This has to be a joke post, right?
erica_lynn asks what we prefer, Bennett Christopher James or Bennett James Christopher? James and Christopher are really common names, why do you want to stuff both of them in the middle names? Just pick one, and save the other for another kid. For the record, I like Bennett James.
And finally, suneey asks what girl names we consider stylish and classy, but not trendy. THIS is the question that gets to the heart of many issues on The Nametard! Off the top of my head: Elizabeth, Kathleen/Catherine, Margaret, Maria, and Madison. Wait, scratch the last one. But, we didn't name our daughter Elizabeth, but I've always liked it because it truly is stylish and classy (I would probably define it as the class name), and it has lots and lots of possible nicknames, yet you can still just go with it without a nickname.

I Swear, The Nametard is Alive Still!

2007-10-09T14:31:00.001-04:00

Yeah, The Nametard has been busy and lazy and all that crap.

Cracked.com has posted a couple name related articles this weekend. If you haven't been there, cracked.com has actually hit another gear lately and has been putting out excellent, well-thought out, and thought provoking stuff. New stuff every day, and always worth a look.

Results when googling the top female names, though I have to take issue with their 'top names.' Since they don't use the most recent data on most popular names, you get old person names like Dorothy and Barbara, baby boomer names like Linda and Susan, and 70's horribly overused names like Jennifer. BUT...it is still funny to read.
Top 9 manliest names. While I may not agree with all of them, there is no doubt that #1 is far and away the manliest name ever.

Friday Message Board Lurking!

2007-06-22T10:24:00.000-04:00

It is Friday, and that means its time for message board lurking! I don’t go on baby name message boards (some dumbasses make you pay), but I’ll lurk and give my advice here. This’ll be quick, easy advice from The Nametard, no payment required.

This week we’ll raid the Babynames.com boards. First we have SASS who already has a daughter Shea Elizabeth (I’m not the biggest fan of Shea, but it is acceptable) who wants advice for her new child (I guess they don’t know if it is a boy or a girl at 8.5 months). Here are the choices:

Girl: Kendall, Shane, Blaze, Baylee, Taylor, Ashley, Paris

Kendall: Slightly androgynous, not very interesting, file under ‘maybe’. Shane: Boys name, sounds too much like Shea (she discusses that), boys name, file under ‘no’. Blaze: Stupid name, stripper name, file under ‘idiot’. Baylee: you know, your fun wacky alternative to Bailey is now Bay Lee, looking like the first name Bay? Go with a different spelling and file under ‘maybe’. Taylor: waning popularity, but still hugely popular over the last 10 years, and it sucks anyway, so file under ‘no’. Ashley: the #1 girl’s name of the 90s and still hugely popular, so file under ‘no’. Paris: yes, you acknowledge you like this name despite Paris Hilton, but you do know she has murdered this name forever, right? You cannot name your daughter Paris, so file under ‘idiot’.

Boy: Chad Hunter, Shane

Really, that’s it? Only 2 names? Is Chad Hunter supposed to be a double name, like someone who hunts for Chad? No to Shane, as above.

The Nametard’s final advice: for a girl go with Bailey (note spelling) or Kendall. If you last name is Mott, you HAVE to go with Bailey. For a boy go back to baby name books and websites.

Next, Wendian solicits opinions about first and middle names :

Girl first names: Annaliese, Annika, Marin, Sofie/Sofia. Annaliese sounds like you are trying wayyyyyy too hard to be different, so no. Annika is not my favorite, but acceptable, so Maybe. Marin, what the hell? No. Sofie/Sofia are incredibly popular (look up Sophia/Sofia/Sophie/Sofie on the social security site), so maybe but probably not. I say go with Annika.

Boy first names: Evan, Dylan, Gavin. All relatively popular, in the top 50 names, and nothing glaringly wrong with any of them. Your choice for this will have to depend on how it fits with your last name, but any are fine choices.

Middle names: Wendian list some options, but it will really depend on the first name. I’m pretty liberal with middle names, so whatever.

Next, Mom2CoriWes asks about Ty as a first name. Yes, Ty, like the maker of Beanie Babies. Give him a full name and if he wants to go by Ty, then let him.

Next, GeorgiaLola asks about Samuel with nickname Sam. Huh, you are asking strangers for their opinion on this regular name? I can understand if you want people’s opinions on something like Condaleeza or Samhyool, but for Samuel? Yeah, it is a fine name, over 13,000 people seemed to think so last year.

Next, Alexis 2519 asks about Ashley and wonders if it is outdated. Outdated? Dear Idiot, over 12,000 people named their daughter Ashley last year, not to mention the 1,000 Ashlees and 400 Ashleighs. It certainly is not outdated and, in fact, since the year 2000 there have been over 100,000 Ashley’s born. It isn’t outdated, in fact it is still overly common. I mean, people, just look this shit up to begin with.

Hannahf asks about a couple names, Grey or Rhett for a boy, Freya or Clare for a girl. Grey sucks because it is like the color and not a great thing to be associated with. Great middle name, bad first name (also, can be turned into “gay” easily). Rhett? Yeah, right, no I don’t think so. You are trying to hard. For the girls, as amazing as it sound, I like both Freya and Clare. I’m a big mythology nut, and Freya sounds nice anyway, though you probably should read up a bit on how she got her necklace. I always preferred Clare over Clair, so I’m good with that also. Let’s just hope that the child a girl.

Lonniecate asks “[what do you think] of Cambryn for a girl?” I think it sucks, but Ordivicyn might work.

Finally Lacey_Kay asks about her husband’s great grandmother’s name (Letha) as a suitable first or middle name. Letha isn’t the best name out there, but a middle name is perfect for honoring a lost loved one, especially if you aren’t sure about the name as a first name. I say absolutely use it as a middle name. Heck, even though I don’t like it as a first name, I don’t hate it, and it has special meaning so it’ll be a good first name if you want.

The Nametard: 06/22/2007

Ba(nne)d Names

2007-06-21T19:59:00.001-04:00

So Ms. Nametard sent me a link to a story on CNN about a New Zealand couple who were legally kept from naming their kid 4real. Yes, 4real, as in “like, yaknow, for real?” Now, this brings up a couple of issues that are core to The Nametard. Obviously, the parents are complete idiots for thinking of this name. Complete morons. Utter dumbasses. Even without the use of a number, this is a horribly stoopid name. It sounds like some nickname that a person will give themselves in high school like Space or La to try to be unique and different and cool [Note: those were actually self-given nicknames of dumbasses in my graduating class]. The parents are just idiots.

Now, the reason why it wasn’t allowed because you can’t have a name that includes non-letters in it, and I agree with this. Prince’s weirdo symbol just never was practical. But there is also a thing in New Zealand that makes unusual names be reviewable by the government for approval, and that is moronic.

Look, The Nametard hates lots and lots of names, and thinks that people that name their kids stupid names should be smacked really hard across the face, but I don’t think that names should ever be restricted. Keeping them in letters is a real and practical restriction that is necessary or else you’ll have people naming their kids a certain shade of yellow (no, not the name of a certain shade of color, but the color itself), and that just can’t work. The idiot couple in Sweden that wanted to name their daughter Metallica shouldn’t be stopped by the government any more than if they named their daughter Madison (equally bad choices). No one should stop a child from being named Hitler, even if it is a bad name. If they ban Hitler, what about Hiller? It is really really close and only 1 letter off?

Names have to come from somewhere, and every name on a list of acceptable names (like they have in some Mexican state) was once ‘unique’ or ‘different’. Look up the origins of the names Cameron, Kelly (especially for a girl), Brandy, or Sherry.

Who decides what is "likely to cause offense to a reasonable person" (as stated in article)? Mohammed is one of the most popular names for boys in the world, and Jesus is very popular amongst Spanish speakers (it never caught hold in English, but we do have the more common Joshua form), but if I was Muslim or Christian I might think giving someone the name of the main prophet would be horribly sacriligious and insulting. Would Adolf be offensive because of Hitler, but Josef would be fine despite Stalin? Would Andrea be acceptable for a boy in English, despite it being a girl’s name? But in Italian it is a boys name (though a really gay sounding boys name).

Whatever. Let’s do bullet points:

The couple in Australia are idiots for trying to us a number in a name.
The couple in Australia are idiots for choosing that name.
All names were new at one point, and even stupid names can turn into ‘acceptable’ by the mass of idiots in the world (see Madison and Nevaeh).
There should be no restriction on what a child is names (as long as it is a word using letters). People shouldn’t be idiots when naming names, but if they want to be idiots then let them be idiots.

Afterall, without that last point, I wouldn’t have a blog to bitch about.

The Nametard: 06/21/2007

Tiger Woods has an Androgynous Child

2007-06-20T11:06:00.000-04:00

Tiger Woods and his model wife Elin Nordegren just had a kid: Sam Alexis Woods (let’s hoping that the kid gets Elin’s looks over Tiger’s). You might think “what a boring name”, but beyond boring, it also sucks.

I’m not a fan of naming kids nicknames, so I’m not down with “Sam” as a first name. Note, though, that I don’t hate using nicknames as full names, I just think it takes away from the kid the choice of using a nickname or not. Remember, they both had to agree that Sam was a better choice than (for example) Samantha, Samuella, or Samara, which it isn’t. A bad decisions, but not a damning one in itself.

But what stems from the use of the nickname Sam as a first name is that it takes away any femininity from the name. Sam, while often used as a pet-name for Samantha, is most often found as a common shorten form used (even formally) for Samuel. Say someone is named “Sam” and the image of a guy jumps into my head. For all its uses for females, Tiger and Elin gave their girl a boy’s first name. But that isn’t all bad if it is paired with a nice feminine middle name, right?

Alexis has jumped in popularity for girls, slowly climbing up through the 80s, peaking at #3 in 1999, and staying in the top 15 for the last 10 or so years. Alexis popular, who knew? But, the funny thing is that Alexis is also a relatively common boy’s name (in the low to mid 100s, which is far more common that I would have thought). It is just one of those damn names that fit either sex for various language reasons. While Alexis is much more popular for girls (about 11,000 born last year), there are plenty of boys with it (over 3,000 born last year), so when you see a newborn named Alexis, it will be a male 22% of the time, which is pretty high.

Now, Alexis as a name isn’t bad itself (I’m equivocal), as long as it is paired with a feminine name (for a girl), and the Woods-Nordegren crew didn’t do that. They gave their girl a boy’s first name and a middle name that may be a boy’s or may be a girl’s. It is almost like they went out of their way to make their girl sound like a boy. Since the amount of choices involved to pick a name are big, you would think that somewhere along the way, one of them would say “you know, this sounds like it could be a boys name. Let’s consider some alternative versions of one of these names to make it sound better.” I’ll offer a couple: Samantha Alexis, Sam Alexa, Sam Alexandra, Samantha Alexandra, Sam Alessandra, whatever.

But let’s step back and think about the boringness of the names to begin with. Boring names aren’t a flaw per se, but if you choose boring names with flaws (like they did), then you have to question it. Are these really the best names they could choose from? Elin is Swedish, couldn’t they have chosen a form of Sam or Alexis that has more Swedish roots? Tiger is freaking ¼ Chinese, ¼ Thai, ¼ black, 1/8 American Indian, and 1/8 Dutch and he couldn’t find a better alternative to those names from any of his ethnic origins?

So Tiger and Elin, you blew it. Your kid will grow up with lots of money and will either be hot (from her mom) or ugly (from her dad), but probably hot since mixing ethnicities brings out hotness (Tiger woods obviously was an exception). But she will have a crappy name because her parents decided that she must be named like a boy.

The Nametard: 06/20/2007

An Introduction to Celebrity Baby Naming and Julia Roberts' Newest Kid

2007-06-19T09:55:00.000-04:00

One of the responsibilities of The Nametard is to comment on famous people’s choice of child names. Last year we had two famous births in Shiloh and Suri, and what great contrast in choices. I think Shiloh is a great name: it sounds good and flows well in the American English language, it isn’t common (never in the top 1000) but doesn’t sound out of place, it is an actual word, and it is a name that has MEANING. Shiloh was a bloody battle in the American Civil War and is also city in the Old Testament. The name manages to conjure images of American history, human conflict, and god, while still sounding good. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt did a surprisingly good job at a name their (now if they only put as much clear thinking into their adopted children’s names….)

Suri, on the other hand, just sucks. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes claim it means “red rose” and “princess” or something like that in various languages. Huh? Which one? Look it up on the intarwebs and it isn’t clear what it means (there are many things it could mean). But that doesn’t matter; the name isn’t that attractive a name to begin with. Mostly it screams of “I’m trying waaaaaay to hard to be different and unique!” Shiloh is different, but sounds good and has good meaning. Suri just sucks.

So yesterday we had Julia Roberts give birth to her third child after having twins a few years ago [now seriously, what insane person has more children after twins?]. Her previous kids were, famously, Hazel and Phinnaeus (had to look up her spelling of that). Hazel? When I think of Hazel I think of three things: Eye color, witch hazel, and elderly women. Honestly, Hazel is an ugly sounding name, doesn’t sound very feminine, and might be something a snarky Brit would call you as an insult. It just doesn’t sound good, and is a definite old person name (not in the good ‘classic name’ way, more in the Maude, Bertha, and Edna way). That said, it isn’t nearly as bad as Suri.

Phinnaeus I like. Yeah, despite its negatives I think it is a good name. It has ample ties to literature (in various spellings), is the mold of the classic male –us name of Latin, and can have a cool nickname of Phin or Fin (I think the 'F' spelling for the nickname looks better). That said, they took one of the more difficult spellings of it, but he’ll have to spell out his name no matter what, and he is gonna have to be prepared for people to ask him about it his whole life (though that isn’t a bad thing whatsoever).

So with names like Phinnaeus and Hazel already on board, what does Ms. Roberts and husband Danny Moder name their third kid? Henry. After giving unusual names to their first two, they go with a common (top 100) name for their third one. Think about it from the kids’ perspective: Henry will feel jealous of his sibs more unique name and Hazy and Phinny will be jealous of Henry’s less weird name. Let’s make the a rule: You must be consistent with naming your children common or uncommon names. It would be like me introducing my three daughters: Citlali, Beatrice, and Emily (948, 966, 1 respectively).

Oddly, however, Henry isn’t that common; it only ranks 95 and has been hovering between 100 and 150 for the last 50 years or so. But it is an old person name (being really common in the early 1900s) and, unlike Hazel, is a good classic older name. At least please nickname him Hank.

The Nametard: 06/19/2007

What Idiots Name their Girl Madison?

2007-06-18T16:22:00.001-04:00

Ok, I hate for this to sound like I am going straight down the top girls names, but I need to talk to people about the name Madison (#3 girl’s name last year). A few years ago, the New York Times had an article on baby names and talked about, amongst other things, the sudden popularity of Madison (sorry, you have to log in, but that is free). Madison? Really? A girl’s name? Top 3 popular? What are people thinking?

Well, the story goes that in the Movie Splash, Darryl Hannah’s character (I’ll get to her first name another day) goes by Madison because she saw the name on Madison Avenue. Could this REALLY be the origin of the popularity of that name? I looked it up, and Splash came out in 1984 and Madison didn’t even show up on the charts until… yep… 1985. Oh my god, it is true!

Let’s cut to the point here: Madison as a first name for a girl sucked already, but this makes it even worse. I’ll make a list for everyone on why Madison sucks as a girl’s first name:

It means something like Son of Matthew, hence the ‘son’ on the end. Let me rephrase that: it means BOY CHILD of Matthew (note: Alison has a different etymology).
It is the capital of Wisconsin.
Every girl named Madison is directly named after a mermaid in a movie from the 80s.
It is the epitome of trendy names.

Yeah, I know, your circumstance is different. You are one of the few people who thought of this before seeing Splash, right. It is a family name, right. But, it is a stupid name.

Madison for a boy is a little different. It was always a rare name that drifted in and out of the top 1000 for the early part of the 20^th century. But then it made a comeback, after not being listed at all since 1952, in 1987. Damn, it came back just like the female form, RIGHT AFTER SPLASH (though a year later). So, while patronym for male first names have a long history (for obvious reasons), the other reasons above still stand, including any boy recently named Madison is directly (or indirectly, but that isn’t as interesting) named after a mermaid in a movie from the 80s. PLUS, they’ll be like 20 girls in his graduating class with the same first name as him.

I think I can sum this up in two points:

Madison (and all its crappy attempts at alternative spellings) is a stoopid name for a girl
All the people who used Madison as a girl’s name (including Splash’s writer) have ruined it as a boys name

The Nametard: 06/18/2007

Emma and Emily

2007-06-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

Well, the top baby names for 2006 came out recently, and there is no change at the top for girls with Emily at #1 and Emma at #2. I mean, wow, two names that are so similar sounding going one-two, and it has been like this for a few years. It always struck me that Emma just sounded like a trendy name, something that parents used when trying too hard to be all Victorian and sophisticated. It really stood out when “Rachel” on Friends named her kid that (I had stopped watching Friends looooong before that, but I somehow remember this).

Emily, though, didn’t seem to be such a trendy name. I’m not sure why; maybe I grew up with Emilys but not with Emmas. But whatever the reason why I thought Emma sounded trendier than Emily, I wanted to know if it actually was so. And like any good scientist (or any good person), I decided to actually look at the data.

I went to, of course, the best resource on the internet for baby names (at least in America): the Social Security popular baby name database. If you don’t know about it, it is a database of the number and rank of the top 1000 names given to boys and girls (separately) for kids in the US using actual data (not extrapolation like some sites). It goes back to 1879 and is really really really really useful and fun. Alternatively, Baby Name Wizard is a site that uses this data and spits it out in graphical form. All very useful and all very important to the Nametard for his ramblings.

Back to Emily and Emma and trendiness. Now, if Emma is a trendy name and Emily is a classic name, we should expect to see a sudden explosion of Emmas out of nowhere, while Emily should be relatively popular for awhile. Let’s see if that is true [NOTE: I haven’t looked at this data before I typed this, so it’ll be news to me too]:

Year	Emily Rank	Emma Rank
2006	1	2
2005	1	2
2004	1	2
2003	1	2
2002	1	4
2001	1	13
2000	1	17
1999	1	17
1998	1	22
1997	1	36
1996	1	53
1995	3	67
1994	3	76
1993	5	81
1992	7	104
1991	10	123
1990	12	130
1980s	25	252
1970s	66	447
1960s	251	356
1950s	225	213
1940s	178	124
1930s	170	86
1920s	137	59
1910s	102	41
1900s	101	21

Hmmm…interesting stuff, but not exactly what I would have imagined. Emma was popular back in the day (let’s face it, it is an old person name), but faded away for a bit, and then came back with strength. Its fade is not as long as what I would have predicted based on my condemning it as trendy, but it drops pretty far in the 1970s. And that is where I think my bias came out.

You see, I was born in the 70s, and that was the decade of the bottom for Emma. But that was also the beginning of the ascent of Emily, so to me it seemed like Emily was around forever, and Emma was just a recent ‘me too’ thing. Of course, it still looks a bit like that, but not as bad as I thought.

Bottom line: for the love of god, don’t name your daughter Emily or Emma! How many Ems will there be in her class? Just last year there were:

21,118 Emilys
18,838 Emmas
1,052 Emelys
850 Emilees
749 Emilias
622 Emilies
406 Emmalees

That is 43,635 baby girls born in ONE YEAR with an Emily/Emma name. Not counting an undoubtedly similar number the previous year and lot of previous years to that (Emily has been #1 every year since 1996).

Nametard: 06/17/2007